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Well, this is it! The issue you've all been waiting for: Melanie loses her virginity seven weeks after Sex Reassignment Surgery! The blessed event occurred in February, 1992. As most of you know, I publish my personal "Transition Diary" in installments, month by month, at least three years after the entries were made. This gives me an opportunity to get some distance on the events, as well as to make sure I don't share any details that could hurt someone important in my life. But other than that, everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING is published.
For me, its a life's work in progress. Every issue adds a little bit to my "body of work". In a sense, its a kind of immortality. If you have some decent points of view and share them, they will keep bouncing around from one person to another long after you're dead. Especially, with the Internet these days. No words written are ever completely lost: some are just read more than others.
It was that sense of contribution to the general culture that brought about another notable anniversary from February, 1992. That was the month I started the online newsletter, The Gender News, which later became The Subversive.
At that time, the America Online Gender group had about 100 members. As of THIS writing, the number is somewhere between five hundred and one thousand. Just look at the number of some of those downloads in the new Trangender Community Forum! That's a lot of political clout for our community.
And while I'm on the subject, I want to take a moment to thank all of those who have carried on the dream of a forum of our own and made it a reality. In the very first issue of The Gender News I wrote:
"I am in direct negotiations with AOL management in the attempt to obtain a new keyword, "Gender" that would lead directly to the Forum. The going is tough, the resistance high, but I am keeping the dialog open so that, in time, we will be rewarded for our patience with a keyword of our own.
"The increasing numbers of our membership DO carry weight with the AOL management. But they are MOST impressed by attendance to forum functions, since that is how they judge how much money our special interest group represents. So, be part of the effort to gain that keyword, along with increased respect and political clout on AOL by attending the meetings whenever you can!"
Little did I know it would take THREE YEARS! to finally bring that dream to earth! But, here it is: the most technically advanced, user-friendly, fastest growing safe haven for gender folk in the electronic world! To paraphrase my own words: "Strength in numbers!" Get involved, use the service, participate! Its the best way to keep the gains we've made and make new strides for the future.
Now, a bit about what's going on and what's upcoming....
Last weekend, I had the pleasure to be the Guest Speaker at the Born Free meeting in Riverside, CA. (If you are local, you'll want to attend this cheerful and supportive group!) I seem to be the annual Valentine's Meeting Speaker. Last year I did a talk on Developing a Female Voice. As most of you know, I market a 49 minute video on voice. I created it just to share a real "secret" of developing a truly FEMALE resonance to the timber of the voice. If you are working on your own voice, you might find it useful. It's only 20 bucks, and I have included information about how to order at the end of this file (lumped in with all the other commercial junk!) If you want to hear a sample of what I sound like, just call my business answering machine at 818 840-0381. By the way, the tape is also available through the I.F.G.E., the publishers of "Tapestry" magazine.
Whoa! Did I ever get off course here!!! I meant to be talking about Born Free!!! Well, back to that... THIS time I gave a talk on Mental Sex. This concept came about because of our work in the new theory of story developed by my partner Chris, and myself. The theory sees every story as a model of a single mind trying to deal with a problem. Characters, Plot, and Theme, are the THOUGHTS of this Story Mind as it goes about working through the issues. One of the questions we found that we had to ask was, "Is the Main Character MALE mental sex or FEMALE mental sex?"
The character, Ripley, played by Segourney Weaver in the original "Alien" is a male mental sex character. So is Clarise Starling (Jodie Foster) in "Silence of the Lambs". Tom Wingo (Nick Nolte) in "The Prince of Tides" and Jack Ryan (Alec Baldwin) in "The Hunt for Red October" are female mental sex main characters. It all has to do with the way we go about solving problems, and part of that is determined before birth.
I'm putting all this in book form right now, and I'll make that available as soon as its ready. The first time I described the whole concept in detail was at that Born Free meeting. The response was quite wonderful! People were coming up afterward and telling me how this new way of looking at the differences between men and women allowed them to understand why they were the way they were.
Oh, I'd love to go on and on about this, but that's not the purpose of this issue. This is the issue when Melanie loses her virginity! And we'll get to that. I promise! But first, let me just thank Gina and Patti at Born Free for setting the whole thing up. If you want to drop by and chat a bit, I'll also be speaking at the California Dreamin' convention in April, at Neutral Corner in San Diego in late June, and at the P.P.O.C. meeting in Orange County in July. Love to meet you!
Now, back to the last thought I have to get back to so I don't leave any loose ends before we get on to that Virginity Lost epic. Because this is a good month for founding things, I officially founded my charitable organization, "Heart Corps" on Valentine's day.
What follows is a "reprint" of my valentine letter announcing the new endeavor, which was delivered to thirty of my closest friends. After that is the diary with its hot, steamy, lurid... well, I don't want to give it all away! And after THAT, I'll throw in a new set of poems and who knows, maybe even a couple of extra treats.
So, without FURTHER delay... Here is the Heart Corps message, and THEN, "The Taking of Melanie, 1,2,3".
What if, just once, somebody made some money and didn't use it to buy a fleet of sports cars?
What if, just once, somebody had the power and used it to solve problems instead of create them?
What if, just once, someone decided NOT to throw money at problems, but to use it to support PEOPLE who want to work to solve problems?
These are the questions I've asked myself for years. Long years during which I've worked very hard and risked quite a bit, trying to achieve "success". From these questions came an idea for a different kind of endeavor.
I saw all kinds of organizations throwing money into a bottomless pit of suffering and dispair with no visible results. Sure, they might lessen the famine or get a few people off the streets, but the system that created those problems CONTINUES to create them anew, each and every day. Bringing down the system, however, would only cause even more suffering. It seemed we were hopelessly trapped in an endless cycle of dispair.
Then, what is really a very simple concept started to build. MOST of us really DO care about others. And MANY of us are already involved. But, we have to make a living to support ourselves and our families. There are tens of thousands of volunteers working for a few hours every week who would LOVE to spend ALL their time helping others - if only they could cover the bills and keep a roof over their heads.
From this concept the idea of HEART CORPS emerged: an organization that didn't just put money on the spot problems, but put people on staff to do good works!
How about a company where the employees came in every day, punched a timeclock, then went out and sat with the elderly, comforted the abused children, counselled the batter wives, taught new skills to the disenfranchised? These are people who have proven themselves as volunteers already. But now, they can work full-time on the business of humanity.
No one should have to sacrifice to help others: not in a land of plenty and the opportunity for more. But as long as the "haves" keep what they get, there is no power to devote to the "have nots". That's what Heart Corps is all about.
I'm not making a LOT of money yet, though I might someday. I AM making more than I really need. So, the time has come to found HEART CORPS as an organization to support those who would do for others.
In this valentine you will find two things. One is a receipt for a donation I made yesterday to Food For All, a rather noble, charitable endeavor. The second item is a one dollar bill. Look at this dollar as a payment from HEART CORPS to you for five minutes of your time. Five minutes to be spent doing something thoughtful for someone else that you might not have done otherwise.
You might give your kids an extra long hug, water your spouse's plants, or give a phone call to a lonely friend you hadn't thought about in a while.
Or, if you don't want to do anything directly, take your dollar and give it to the homeless man or woman at the corner of the off-ramp, or drop it in a collection bucket, donate it to your church, or just buy another Food For All coupon.
But remember, its YOUR dollar with no strings attached. So, if you'd rather, buy something for yourself that you wouldn't have without that extra dollar. Give yourself a treat! Because, in the end, a little extra happiness in the world can go a long way! You can do your part for others just by being good to yourself: the mood is contagious!
In closing, I want to thank you for reading this far. That alone shows a commitment to caring and sharing. And that is what HEART CORPS is all about!
As I can, when I can, I'll be contributing more through HEART CORPS to help those who would help others. May each of you contribute to those YOU care about in your own way.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Best wishes for all you hope to do and be.
AND NOW.... TA TA TA DAAAAAA!!!!
THE DIARY OF MELANIE ANNE CONTINUES......
From Journeys & Transitions by
February 3, 1992
I had my second doctor check-up since surgery today. He was REALLY pleased with the healing! He hold me that in 3 1/2 weeks I had healed as much as he usually sees in 2 to 3 months. Depth is good, width is good, everything elastic, everything works, 2 orgasms since surgery, swelling down, and the cervix is pink (something he says is good but rare). Anyway, he says "sex in three more weeks". So I'll have to keep Bernard at bay on Friday!
We are just beginning to plateau on the post-surgical finances. We are still in hot water, but at least it is not boiling any faster! No doubt about it, though. I made the best decision of my life when I went under the knife! I seem to be able to handle ANYTHING now!
February 4, 1992
Just a quickie, since I am late for work already, but I like writing better than working.
Every day IS better and better. And not by leaps and bounds, but more of a slow build. I cannot believe that life can have a background noise level that is positive instead of negative. I'm really not prepared for this! It seems like no matter what comes up, I can handle it now. And not with martyrish sacrifice and determination, but just matter of course.
Tangent to this, I find that I can no longer share my feelings with men, as they haven't a clue to what in the world I'm talking about! I know its really my losing the vocabulary of male communication, compounded by the increasing effects of a single hormone system. But it sure is weird!
Men and I are truly different species now with few if any real touchpoints. My girlfriends and I, however, communicate so much more completely. We understand each other, not just in content, but connotation. Well, I'm really out of time (dad rat it!) But, in the words of Arnold, "I'll be back!"
February 8, 1992
At my support group meeting last Saturday, which was my "Prodigal Daughter" evening, as returnee from Trinidad, there was a nice looking guy about my age who cornered me for a conversation. He is not transgendered, but attracted to that ilk. No exclusively, however, just in addition to genetic females.
This was his first time attending the group. He asked my phone number, and I gave it, and on Tuesday, he called me at work and asked me out to dinner and dancing Friday night. I met him there at seven last night. He had a single red rose with baby's breath for me, with a card saying he was looking forward to the start of a new friendship.
He has a well-trimmed beard (I had never been attracted to beards, but changed my mind last night!) We had a wonderful dinner with a really funny (and handsome) waiter. Our conversation ranged from philosophies and attitudes to the software I'm creating at work, and a lot of joking.
After the long dinner, we adjourned to the adjoining disco and looked for a place to put his sweater and my purse. All the tables were taken, however, so he suggested we put them in our cars. When we went to the valet for the keys, I told him it would be easier just to get his key and put the things in his car, rather than have to locate two vehicles. (But you know why I REALLY said that.... Just thinking ahead!)
So we dropped our things in his car and went back to dance. We danced up a storm for about half an hour, most of which time was spent in CLOSE disco dancing, with a LOT of body contact and kissing.
Finally, we were exhausted, and he bought me a cold diet coke at the bar, and we leaned up against the wall to recover. I nestled up against him, and soon we were nuzzling together, face to face, alternately gazing in each other's eyes and closing them altogether. His hands gently moved over me, exploring, massaging, and I swear I nearly came just standing there with him!
After about 20 minutes of necking in the corner, he suggested we take a walk outside to cool off. We circumvented the parking lot and noticed that now there was a line of about 30 people waiting to get into the disco. He stopped at a shadowed spot to do some more necking, but I told him it was too cold for me, and maybe we should sit in his car. So, he got his car, and we drove up a few streets in the residential area and parked.
Well, let me tell you! Whoa!!! Bernard was the PERFECT gentleman, and yet he took the initiative, firmly but gently. I felt like a school girl needing to learn, because in truth, I had never done most of the things to any woman that I wanted done to me.
We played safe, kissing with no tongues, my hand making him happy, his on me: the first man to touch the new equipment - and GOD was it good!!! Some of this stuff I had done for Mary, but it was just a chore in my other life. On THIS side, it was heaven! And he was enjoying it too, a feeling I had never had as a man.
We put back the reclining seats and eventually ended up in the same one, taking turns on who was on top. As I said, he was the perfect gentleman. He would initiate, but would stop if I asked him, or do something I asked, but would also suggest. And his patience was incredible! I truly have a lot to learn, and a lot more to get good at.
I am incredibly sensitive EVERYWHERE. My ears, my nipples, under my arms... Somehow, with him in the driver's seat (not just literally!) my whole body was a live wire. I rolled over so he would move on top of me, and (with my panties and pantyhose on for protection) he thrust his naked self against me.
I NEVER KNEW!!! The urge to be penetrated - to have him enter me - was almost undeniable! There was such a weird mix of intense physical pleasure and indefinable psychological fulfillment as he moved against me, feeling the pressure of him relentless between my legs.
I'm getting turned on again just thinking about it. I told him, "So THIS is what it is to be a woman!" How could such ecstasy exist unknown to me for all these years?
Well, I'm still a couple weeks from being "penetration ready", but Bernard and I are working toward that, him the patient, experienced teacher, me the eager novice. Again, I marvel at the good fortune that seems to attach itself to my life. I cannot imagine a better partner to guide me to completion as a woman.
Well, enough erotica already! I'm going to take a cold shower!
February 9, 1992
As far back as I can remember, I've had this dream where I was standing at the bottom of a pit just deep enough to prevent me from grabbing onto the rim, just wide enough to keep me from climbing out, and just open enough at the top to tantalize me with sunny skies and starry nights. I always felt that the whole world lay just outside that pit: a world I had never seen.
I kept thinking that if I could just get out of that pit, I would never have anything to worry about again. All through transition, I could feel the time of release getting closer, but even after surgery it was not yet there.
Now it is here. The final experiences I needed in order to know life are safely tucked in my memory. Having lived is the key to knowing life.
Even with all my shenanigans, Mary continues to provide a stable and supportive home environment. For example, we went to the new Super Mall yesterday. I stopped at Victoria's Secret and was looking at some fancy panties. Mary said, "Ah, I see you are buying some things for your friend from Friday night!" She looked at the two pairs of panties I was considering and commented, "I'd pick these." Then she smile-smirked and we laughed together.
Mary and I are so close physically at the moment, twisting all up together as we sleep, that I almost suspect we will become intimate again in the next few months.
It's really quite odd, but I can enjoy playing "daddy" to the kids and "husband" to Mary, even while my outside affectation and demeanor never varies from Melanie. I have noticed that since surgery, I am not afraid of my more masculine frames of mind. At work I find I will shift without awareness into the range of masculine/feminine that best suits the situation and best fulfills my desires. And yet, from the outside, I am sure I am always Melanie, even though many times I feel just like Dave.
February 12, 1992
I was in the elevator going up to work yesterday, sharing it with an elderly man with whom I struck up a conversation. Suddenly I realized he looked familiar. I asked, "Are you George?", and indeed it was. George was one of the stars in the feature film, "Brothers of the Wilderness" I directed in 1982. I hadn't seen him since.
I introduced myself, "I USED to be Dave". He simply said, "I never would have known!" His beeper rang, so he came up to my office to use the phone. We exchanged career updates and current phone number, and he left. It was a kick to run into someone like that who had never heard about my transition.
I remember reading in "Conundrum" about a similar situation that happened to Jan Morris. At the time, I wondered what that would feel like. Now I know.
Switching topics, I felt my physical system to a major shift after about as month of no testosterone. I'm now in my first "off cycle" since surgery, and the feelings are quite different. I find myself "drifting" mentally, and finding fascination in the most mundane things, staring at spots on the wall or puddles for minutes at a time. My time sense is all shot to blazes. I put my coffee in the microwave, set it for 2 minutes, turn away and back and there are 13 seconds left! I push the button on the elevator, look up, and it has already arrived two floors up. I'm missing red lights when driving and can't even keep my balance, all because my sense of the passage of time is all screwed up.
Since we are working with space/time math models at work, I was unable to work all morning. Finally, I went out to lunch and ate three times as much as normal - mostly starch and carbohydrates. That did the trick! It countered the spaciness long enough for me to finish my work, but by 5:00 I was flying!!!
February 20, 1992
Today is my 39th birthday. I had promised myself at least one year in my thirties as a woman, and obviously I'm going to get it!
They had a quick party at work today, and a few people made special trips up to my office to bring me cards. One special friend slipped a present in my office while I was downstairs. There were, of course, some risque sexist cards, but it was all in good fun, and the little notes inside were heartwarming and so very accepting.
At home, a family friend came over with presents and balloons. When Mary came home from the Girl Scout meeting she said, "Well, I have a date with David G.!", one of the married fathers in the troop). He has been interested in Mary before he knew who I was, and I had noted him getting real friendly with her at one of the Girl Scout meetings I had attended with her.
Well, I didn't particularly like her saying that in front of our friend, but I think she was just trying to stress her worth. I don't really expect she will ever go out with him, as the "date" was to catch a big sci-fi movie together next time one comes out. But then again, she might.
Strange, how I still feel such jealousy. Yet, things about me HAVE changed. Rather than being devastated, I am just hurt. But because I am less self-centered, I find myself more concerned with Mary's happiness than my hurt. And if it brings her pleasure, I will be glad for that.
What also bothers me is that I always told her from Day One where I was headed and what I would do. And I never varied, added to or deleted from that plan. It was like a promise. She had told me she would never date, and I, naively, believed she would not vary.
Well, this sounds all too serious, as we are chasing and tickling each other all around the house tonight. But it is indicative of a more basic post-surgical transition that is an unexpected process I am still working out.
Mary said she would go out with him because she just needed "some male companionship." You know, through all of this, I have never dealt with the issue of "loss". It has all been a positive process of gain. But now, as a result of the hormone shift, I guess, I can "feel" an aspect of my own previous mind that I cannot get back: parts of me that I am never again to possess. There is no depression here, but just a feeling of being out of control for the first time. In many senses, I LIKE that feeling: it is liberating. But it does take some getting used to.
February 23, 1992
I just got back from my first time skiing. Ten of our 16 employee company (minus bosses) spent the weekend at the local ski resort. I went up with a girl friend from work. I find that I love the standard subjects of girl talk: dealing with insensitive and insufferable men, what makes men attractive, who is attractive and who isn't and why, how we feel about ourselves and our lives, etc.
We shared a lot of favorite music on cassette. What a time the whole group had!!! There were four of us first-time skiers, so we all took a class together for two hours, then took the lift up and sailed down the beginner's slope. I went down seven times and only fell on 3 of the runs!!! And I love it!!!
Without the bosses there, we all had a WONDERFUL time, playing games until 2 in the morning, going out for breakfast, talking in corners, men and women intermixed in the various dens for sleeping.
A fun part was giggling with my female roommate over cutesy gross jokes while I dilated in the dark. I deepened MANY friendships and really let my hair down. What a trip!
February 29, 1992
Now, for the news flash all America is waiting for: "Melanie Anne Loses Her Virginity!" In RED letters. 72 point type!!!
Yes, it's really happened. But it was a lot different than I expected. I had experienced such a deep physical and psychological moment on my date of three weeks ago, that I fully anticipated more of the same. And, although the evening WAS wonderful, it did not provide nearly the fulfillment of the first date.
I realized the nature of the difference in male/female sexual needs. For the woman, foreplay IS the important part. The actual act of sex is, you should pardon the expression, anti-climactic.
And mood and atmosphere have a lot to do with it. On the first date, we had a wonderful dinner at a nice restaurant, danced for half an hour, took a cooling walk and went up to the hills in his car to neck, much like the itinerary of an old 1950s movie.
This time, I went to his condo. It is a nice, neat place, but lacks any hint of a woman's touch. Everything is straight lines, solid colors, and functional.
He made dinner - pretty good cooking for a man, but it lacked flourish, and certainly lacked romance. After dinner, we cuddled on the couch for a while, then went upstairs to his room. A little necking, a little petting, the luxuriously slow process of undressing, and finally, the beginning of intimacy.
He explored my body, starting at the farthest borders and working his way to the point of major interest. He used his hands and his tongue to get me started. I warned him there was still the final labiaplasty to be done, but he said he couldn't see why. (Biber is truly a miracle worker.)
Finally, he rolled over on me and we enjoyed the traditional position, then switched to me on top, then from behind, and finally oral sex (both parties involved).
He had held out so long that he didn't reach completion at that moment. We snuggled for about 15 or 20 minutes, however, and then he came back and finished the job - in the standard position we had started in.
Now, the experience of being penetrated and being desirable was indeed wonderful. But since I am not in love with Bernard, and the evening was not as romantic as our first date, I didn't enjoy the same degree of fulfillment I had with him before. It wasn't bad, mind you, but not as meaningful as I had hoped.
Nevertheless, in losing my virginity, I have gained a much deeper understanding of what IS meaningful to me. And now I can clearly set my sights on achieving it.
Well, that's the end of this month's diary excerpt. I wonder what will turn up next month? Think I'll dip into my diary files to find out. You all will just have to wait, I guess.
What follows next is a glop of thoughts (do thoughts travel in "glops"?) that were all lumped under "February, 1992" in one of my files. Might as well throw them into the mix.
Note to myself...
Topics to write on:
1. Chaos and Free-Will (or Chaos and Consciousness)
2. Second Class Status Quo
3. Non-linear equations and Social Responsibility (It all comes back to you)
4. Intercourse as the process of infection - Pregnancy as a disease.
5. The Claustrophobia of self-awareness (You are trapped in your own mind and can't get out and can't stop thinking.
6. Common knowledge vs unique knowledge & the definition of reality as agreement between the two.
7. The "Cause and Effect" fallacy of symptomatic diagnosis and specific treatment regimens
8. Misdiagnosis of extreme female-mindedness as schizophrenia
9. Strange Attractors and the analysis of Schizophrenic PET scans.
Various "clever" phrases I penned but never grouped together:
Speak up and be heard, or, Shut up and be herd.
The best cure for Writer's Block is Writer's Cramp.
Snow: How can something be so cool and so flakey at the same time?
AIDS : The Gift that Keeps on Giving
Don't take KNOW for an answer.
Reality is everything nobody has been able to change.
There is nothing so frustrating,
as someone worse off than yourself,
who is happier than you are.
Cleanliness is next to Impossible
Thought: the killer of Knowledge
Burning the Candle at Both Ends: No Rest for the Wicked.
Masseuse with cold hands: Cryo-practor
The Three Laws of Subjective Limitations
1. Nothing is absolute, unless it can only be defined by itself.
2. That which is self-defining cannot be observed.
3. That which can be observed, is not absolute.
The Two Subjective Fallacies
1. That which can be observed, can be defined.
2. That which can be defined, is absolute.
Conservation of Entropy
1. Theorem: That which can be defined, is not absolute.
2. Corollary: That which is not absolute, has not achieved entropy.
3. Assertion: Equity can only be achieved at entropy.
4. Conclusion: That which can be defined, should be dismantled.
Women and Men: Symbiotic Parasites
An integration of Man and Machine: Cybrid
Don't leave the Unknown alone.
Free the Monistat 7
To Be or To Do, THAT is the question!
Q: Why is there Past and Future?
A: Because there is Here and There.
The fuel of Space,
in the rich atmosphere of Time,
through friction between them,
which consumes them both.
Never count on Inertia;
Never depend on Change.
Melanie's Axiom: No closed system can be fully explained as a hierarchy.
Corollary to Melanie's Axiom: Any hierarchical explanation that describes a system has arbitrary head and feet that define the limits of the system.
Melanie's Assertion: No open system can be fully explained in terms of relativity.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for life;
Teach a fish and you can starve a world.
"Therapist" is actually two words:
A civilization sufficiently advanced beyond our own
will appear to be magic .
A civilization sufficiently advanced beyond magic
will appear to be stupid
Some philosophical thoughts:
When we transcend that singular plane of consideration and evaluate our lives in multi-planar perspectives, we cannot help but be balanced. That is the nature of multi-planar consideration. You simply cannot operate at all levels and be anything but balanced.
Nevertheless, it is a learned technique, the ultimate fulfillment of the promise of self-awareness. And as such, it is not employed at birth. Rather, one must be educated into that mode of thought, and that is the essence of what self-improvement systems and many of the great religions have sought to accomplish. Because the end result is a "feeling" these institutions have approached the educational format as a presentation of feelings. This will not work. One must first arrive at an understanding of the processes involved in multi-planar thinking, and only then can achieve a feel for it.
For understanding is the template against which one's thoughts must be consistently measured to locate and eradicate drift from the process of full experiential consideration.
That concludes the "Miscellaneous Box" contents from February, 1992. Now, as promised in the opening lines of this divergent little treatise: here is a multi-poem work of my own concoction.
Greasy hands embrace
the frigid chalice,
drawing closer, satisfaction,
toward the moistened,
When there's no
night, where will
all the moon
Slipping through a
crack, the ivy easily
Can sleep now....
I guess that wraps up this rather fragmented issue of The Subversive. I'll be back eventually with installment number 27. In the meantime, take a moment to do something nice for someone else: you'll feel a whole lot better!
Best wishes for all you hope to do and be,
The Subversive #26
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