A Webzine Created and Edited by
I started "dressing" when I was 11 years old - wearing my mom's girdles, slips, and dresses. I enjoyed their feel and how I looked in them, and dreamt of being one of the girls at school. When I would stay at my cousins' (three girls), they were always "making" me dress intheir clothes, but I always LIKED it and didnt want to change back into MY clothes. Sometimes, I would even take some of their clothes home with me, and wear them in bed. Later as I made money mowing lawns, I bought my own panties and pantyhose - keeping them hidden in my bed.
Once I entered college and worked at a good paying part-time job, I found my "female" wardrobe growing - miniskirts, formals, casual dresses, negligies, panties, bras, garter belts, camisoles, nylons, slacks, jeans, tees, body & swim suits, etc. I owned more and sexier clothes than most girls I knew!
Once married, my "female" wardrobe became "hidden" in my workshop in the basement, where I had access to them but my wife would never find them. On business trips, late at night, or when no one else was home, I would go down, select my outfit, and "dress." It was nice, but I really felt too rushed and wanted to BE a woman all of the time, not just for a snapshot in time.
After many years of denying my gender identity and cross-dressing whenever I had the opportunity, I decided that I must acknowledge my feelings and do what was "right" - become the woman that I had been yearning to be for so many long years. My first step was that I joined the Tiffany Club of New England (Boston, MA). Because I live in Maine, I accessed the Tiffany Club's BBS for information on the regional transgender community and to chat with other CD/TV/TSs. There I found the support that one needs as they make this major transition from "what was" to "what should have been."
One of the TCNE sysops, Debra Berube, informed me that TCNE was sponsoring an evening social for the transgender community and that I was welcome to attend - the date, May 15, 1993, at a suburban convention center/hotel. I decided to work that date in with a business trip I had planned that would have me passing through that area.
I checked into my hotel room Friday night, and laid out my plans for the following day. I slept very little that night, anxious about the forthcoming day and my Debutante that evening. After only about 3 hours of REAL sleep, I awoke to find that Saturday had indeed arrived and my day of reckoning had arrived.
I had room service bring up a light breakfast to my room. Next, I fixed a nice warm lavender bubble bath and soaked for what seemed like hours. I then took the opportunity to depilitate the hair from my legs (all the way up), arms, back, chest and belly. Despite plugging the drain several times ( I was like Harry the Bigfoot), I relished in the smooth feeling of my "new" body and the tingley sensations as I patted myself dry and applied a mist of my fav body spray, L'air du Temps. Once out of the tub, I put on a little pink lipstick, blush, dark black mascara, and my brown pageboy style wig. Next, I got dressed in my sexiest undies, tightest pair of blue jeans, high black pumps and a peasant style denim top, which accentuated my ample breasts.
I then strutted to the elevator, through the lobby, and to my car. I felt alittle uncomfortable, but knew that I was doing well so far. I proceeded to drive to the drycleaner and the beauty parlor. I dropped my blouse and skirt off at the drycleaner and requested the 1-hour service so they would be ready for me to pickup before going to the beauty shop and wear that evening. Once I left there, I headed to Payless, where I tried on and purchased a pair of bright red high heel pumps, which I would wear that evening, and a new handbag.
Next I went to an adult store that caters to the local transgender community. There I was assisted by a very courteous female clerk in selecting a padded brief and crinoline, trying each on to ensure fit. I then returned to the drycleaner and picked up my blouse and skirt.
As I parked my car in the rear lot of the beauty shop, anxiety and apprehension hit me. I began to think,"What if...?" and started to sweat profusely. Composing myself, I just thought,"The time has come to wake up & smell the coffee. Now go out there and be the woman you really are." With that, I entered the rear door of the beauty shop, and proceeded to speak to the owner, Esther. Esther showed me to a private dressing are of the salon where I could change into my outfit and then have my makeup done. It was warm inside the dressing room and, combined with my anxiety, I began to sweat again - this time bullets. But, like before, I assured myself that all was going well and that if I continued to sweat my soon-to-be-applied makeup would run..
A short time later, the cosmetologist entered. She was really nice, and helped "break the ice" and reduce my anxieties by asking me what colors I use and how, and then instructing me on what I should use in the future and what best fits my features and complexion. She asked who had done the arching of my brows, and I told her that I had - she said that I had done a very nice job. This put my mind at ease as well, of course 30+ years of practice certainly helps! As she prepared my face for the makeup, and then finally applied the makeup, I could only wonder what I would look like. My heart began pounding, waiting for the "unveiling" to happen. It seemed like an eternity, but only 60 minutes later - Danielle was born!
With my back to the mirror, I was unable to see the makeup artist do her magic, but when she was finished she said that I looked beautiful and that anyone would certainly think that I was a woman. She turned me around so that I could see, and my eyes welled up in tears again - there before me sat a beautiful woman, a woman whose eyes sparkled and whose lips were supple and full, a woman who could easily turn the head of any guy. She told me not to cry, that I was beautiful, and gave me a hug of confidence. I then asked her to take a picture of me so I could keep it in my diary, and she did.
I thanked the cosmetologist and beauty shop owner for their help, support, and confidentiality.Then I confidently walked out the FRONT door, and down two blocks to a newsstand for a paper. When I entered the newsstand, the men just stared at me. I casually strutted to the papers, modestly bent down and grabbed one, and walked to the cashier. I could tell they were looking at my legs and butt, so I leaned over the counter enough to flash them alittle view of my ruffled rhumba-style panties. As I turned, I smiled at them and said, "Have a nice day." As I walked back to my car, I noticed people slowing in their cars and "checking me out." I realized that they weren't "making" me, they were viewing me as a sexy babe (---blush---). Chills ran up my spine, how flattering to be treated this way I thought.
As I drove back to the hotel to get a few things before the party, I noticed other motorists "checking me out" as I was at stop lights. Ahh, to be a woman and be wanted. What a feeling. Once back at my hotel, I confidently walked through the lobby to the elevators and back. After all, I was a woman. One woman, about 25 years old, in the lobby, "checked me out" as I walked by and whispered to her husband that I "must be a call-girl." I just turned around toward her, smiled, left my tongue wet my lower lip, and proceeded on my way thinking to myself, "Gee, now I KNOW I'm in the right gender!"
Once at the Convention Center, I met in-person the Tiffany Club members. I belong to their BBS, but have never met any of them. It was nice to meet the faces behind the words, and to talk all night about ourselves, each other, exchange thoughts/ideas about clothing and makeup....just being female. Plus, the food and drink were quite good too, although I did so in moderation to watch my figure "like a good girl."
Of course, when Mother Nature called, I left the table and headed to the rest rooms. As I pushed open the door to the Men's Room, I realized my predicament (????), excused myself, and entered the Ladies Room. My confidence really surprised me, no nervousness or sweating this time, as I went about my business there. In fact, while I was touching up my makeup, a girl in her early twenties asked who did my hair because it was so beautiful - I told her the salon's name, and she was grateful. Ah, to be a woman and be able to talk about such things. Plus, it seemed that I was "passing," even though I still have trouble controlling my baritone voice.
Throughout the party, I danced with other TCNE members and their guests, noting the variety of professions and upbringings we all had. The rapore that we had with one another was really encouraging.
When the party ended at about midnite, I went over to the lounge with some other members. Several times men came up and asked me for a dance, but I declined - not quite ready for that...yet. I think I need alittle more "walking" before I decide to "run"! I did however enjoy the attention, and even met a nice man to converse and have a drink with. As time progressed, we kissed and cuddled in our secluded booth near the rear of the room - just playful fun. I never did tell him that I was a male, but then again HE did not ask and I did not feel like a male that night!
Well, about 3AM I returned to my hotel, feeling happy,sexy, confident, and secure. I walked through the lobby, past security and up to my room. I slipped into my sexiest negligie and slept like a baby that night - and I know that can be taken literally, after all, Danielle was only born about 8 hours beforehand!
I am so pleased with my first time, that I know it will soon be "every time." I am on the road to becoming the woman that somehow nature forgot. For those of you thinking about Coming Out, I can only say that it was a great moment for me and I intend to make those moments more numerous and permanent.
POST-SCRIPT DATED 11/23/93:
Well, its been 6 months since Danielle was "born" and those six months have posed both challenges as well as rewards. I am spending most of my time living as the woman that I have always wanted to be. I was "laid off" from my Fortune 50 corporation management job of 12 years in June, likely a result of my "transformation", but I have since founded my own company, which competes against my former employer - Yes, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!
I find that I am enjoying life better now, I am more relaxed, and more "myself." I find my male clothes in the back of the closet or in boxes in the basement, where my female attire used to be. I am happy and know that what I have done has made me a better person - it's made me ME.
I would like to thank all of you who have helped me through this period in my life: MelanieXX for your newsletters and AOL Forum, Debra Berube & Joannie Bartlett (TCNE) for just being there when I needed you, Kathy for understanding why I am who I am, Tula and Shannon (my idols) for being theirselves and showing once again that "it" can be done and accepted by all, Diann of AOL for chatting with me on-line when I needed someone to talk to, and everyone else who I have related with over the past 6 months...THANKS ALOT!
I know now that I must continue my journey to womanhood, and make the transformation complete. Over the next few months I will be continuing my SRS counseling. Hopefully, all will go well and, in a short time, I will be "complete." In the meantime, however, I am enjoying life as a woman-in-transition.
I would really like to correspond with others - male, female, or in-between (like I was). You can send me Email on America On-Line (DanielleH) or through the Tiffany Club BBS (modem:617-899-3230)(Danielle Hoffman). I promise that I will reply to all Email as quickly as possible.
Back to Table of Contents
Copyright Transgender Support Site