Subversive Number 14 - Letters to the Editor

I am just writing to thank you for having the courage to speak about your transition. I have known ever since I can remember that I was meant to be a woman, but I have never had the courage to do anything about it. I have allowed others to run my life, and that has only lead to heartache and suffering. Now with the help and support of you, your story and the other girls on AOL I have finally made the first step towards my own liberation from the prison I am in.

I attended the gender forum on Sunday the 3rd and heard for the first time on a personal level, that I am not alone, that there is an answer to my lifelong struggle. I have felt like I was on the verge of suicide for the last several months and with thoughts of self mutilation becoming more acceptable every day. I then stumbled upon your story in the "subversive" and read the entire text through the 13th issue. I probably shed more tears as read than I have allowed myself in my entire life. But this time they were tears of empathy and joy. When I read about your search for your grandfather's shotgun, a loaded 9mm was sitting next to my computer. This may sound corny or cliche', but you literally saved my life as I had decided that I had no right to live as I am.

I won't bore you with the details of my experiences as I know you said you felt less and less connection with the gender community. (Sorry for the poor paraphrase) As much as I would be willing to beg you to stay on as host of the Gender Forum, I think I understand. You have been through hell and back over the past few years and deserve time for yourself and your family. And your family deserves to have you in their lives. Besides you spent the majority of your life dreaming of being a woman, not an ex-man!

I finally took the step and called for an appointment with a psychologist in the local area who counseled a MTF I read about in the paper. Since I made the appointment I haven't had one thought of suicide and I have never felt so at ease. While I know it is going to be a long journey beset with trials and tribulations I know, at least that I am finally on the right path. Don't get me wrong I am terrified at the thought of almost every step along the way. I feel like I am blindfolded, walking towards the edge of a cliff never knowing if the next step will be the one that hurtles me over the edge and out of control. But now I have many guides to hold my hand along the path they have already traveled and my mind is filled with comfort.

Thank you once again Melanie, for your courage, your compassion, and your tolerance. Your work is not in vain!

P.S.
I saw your before and
after and you are lovely!
You really give a girl hope!

I just read your last issue of the Subversive (#13) and was taken by surprise by the letter written by dawnSEL. The gender chats and the files listed in the gender area have been very helpful to me. Through the chats, I have met wonderfully supportive people who have been very helpful in answering my occasional dumb questions and in helping me to figure myself out.

Before joining AOL and the TV/TS family online, I was totally confused as to what my feelings meant. I know now that I am not crazy or abnormal. I am simply a heterosexual (possibly bisexual) male who enjoys dressing and acting female. Although a lot of the persons who attend the chats are TS, I have never felt any discomfort during the chats, other than my own nervousness the first couple of times. Generally, I have appreciated both the candor and comradeship that has been offered, including the occasional ribbing from some of the characters that inhabit this window-on-the-world.

Please don't let letters like dawn's discourage you. I can assure you that most of us feel exactly the opposite. You can feel free to publish this if you wish.

I downloaded The Subversive#12 the other day, and from what I have been able to read so far, I think it's great. It's a great service to all of us. All the best to you, Rui

I just finished reading your latest Subversive Magazine (number 13) and found it very interesting. I really enjoyed the section called "Cinderella Liberties" I guess most men do come on too strong when they see a target they feel they have got to have. I hope I am not that way. I do try hard not to hurt anybody's feelings and respect their wishes. Did you ever or are you going to go back to that 7-11?

With every issue I really look forward to the section on your life story (Raised by Wolves). I find it fascinating how you and others like you go through changes in your lives. I hope you do get a publisher for your book. When that happens I will buy the book and read about you again.

I look forward to the next issue of The Subversive. I will always download when I see it in the library. Also, I must mention again, I think that recent GIF you put in the library was very beautiful. I can see why a lot of guys try to make passes at you. I hope we will see another GIF of yourself soon in the library. I will be the first to download it. Well that is all for now. Hope to hear from you soon.

Actually, I have only been back to that 7-11 when the guy was not on shift, and I didn't go alone! I don't like being "locked out" of the convenience of that store's location, but the alternative is a scene I don't want to have to get in. If I tell the guy to back off, that emotional cloud will hover over me everytime I go in and see him there. So, you see, that is the position he has put me in: I cannot win! THAT is the complaint women have about this sort of thing.

Still, I can see that if I had complained at first, it wouldn't have gotten this bad. Yet, women assign feelings to every object and location around them. That is how we identify things, not by their shape but by their feel. Just being approached in the first place gave me two choices: accept and attach a bad feeling to the location or hope he gave up when I didn't respond and the feeling would only be transient. Then I could classify the store back in its original pleasant feelings. But, alas, he did not give up and it grew to the point that no matter what I do, the pleasant feelings attached to that store cannot return until he is gone from the place.

Either way, he's made me lose on this one unless I want to intimidate HIM by my presence. But I would know that I was making him uncomfortable and that would make me aggressively mean toward him which is against MY self image. So, unless I want to be toward him as he was toward me by making him uncomfortable and thereby change my character against my nature, I must then lose.

If you ever wanted some insight into the way a woman evaluates a situation, this was it!

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