Subversive Number 14

So here I sit. All that's left of what was hopeful. Flashing eyes and inner heaven of green trees and blue skies. Long years spent in developing a world within. Something above the feeble glow that passes for reality. Always entertaining thoughts obviously less than sane, and always leaving them for something more substantial. But every rock-hard and solid tangible I grasp for evaporates into senseless wisps at my touch. Having an image but no reality to match it.

And just when I think I've finally found her whom I met in reverie, a flaw materializes and whips up, screaming tauntingly like a quick scythe, shattering the polished teeth of a forced smile.

And all of this is mine. The legacy of an innocence long since dead and rotting in the forgotten smears of yesterthought. I always have hope, which brands me as a fool before I have a chance to enjoy those things obtained while becoming a fool.

So, dashed and splattered are the vile thoughts of peace and love, and just an empty scar that doubles as a sneer is left to frown and brood.

And I try, I really do. And I fail, boy do I fail. Yet, inside, the green trees and blue skies go on, a little murkier perhaps, but on. And once again I drag my sliced and battered "I" up on its weary stubs and funnel into my heart all that comes my way, which usually happens to be rejection.

But there's a new day coming. And its always darkest before the dawn. And life goes on....

I couldn't know it then, but there WAS a dawn ahead - the dawn that I now live every day. So, hold on. None of us can tell the future. If we could there would be no free will, as all would be predestined to us. Chaos is chaos because it can't be predicted. When times are bleak, chaos is a friend, not a foe. As all of us who have made life transitions can attest: the impossible is only that which you refuse to believe.

May you never find occasion to say, "If only....."

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	Hi, I'm Melanie Anne Phillips founder of this, the world's first transgender support web site, in 1994 Click here to see an introductory video
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AFTERGLOW

"AND ALL OF THIS IS MINE"

May you never find occasion to say, "If only....."