BACKGROUND; I was born in February 1947. In the spring of
1950 my family (Mom, Dad, Sister and Me) moved to California because I was asthmatic. It
didn't help my chronic attacks so in 1952 we moved back to Ohio, and our old neighborhood.
The new house we moved into was about ten blocks away from our old house. My sister was
and still is very pretty but back then we played quite allot together. My sister is 353
days younger than me.
My first memory of crossdressing is in this house. As
children go we got bored with our toys and make believe scenarios. We played grocery
store, house, cowboy/cowgirl, etc. Well I can remember my sister asking "What can we
play now?" On this one occasion I responded "Lets play dress up you be the boy
I'll be the girl" Of course she went along we were completely oblivious to the gender
stigma attached to clothes. As I remember this only happened four or five times until she
didn't want any part of this make believe game. Try as I might she rejected the game each
time. My next exposure to crossdressing would be by myself quite a few years later.
At about this time I started having a nightmare. I call it
this now because then it was a very traumatic experience when it occurred. I would wake up
each time very scared, distressed and confused. Here I must say the dream was the same
every time I dreamt it. I had three or four a year over a period of probably five or six
years.
As the dream started it was like the description of an out
of body experience you hear about. My mind would be watching a scene unfolding. Though I
would not be conscious of that mind being in a body. It was sort of like only my
consciousness or intellect observing this 3D Technicolor panorama unfolding. It seemed as
though I were a very great distance above a lightly wooded area. Not being concerned with
the forest in particular my attention would immediately be drawn to a log cabin resting
gently on a very green patch of perfectly kept lawn. The lawn subtly rolled away from the
cabin in all directions, peaceful was the only way to describe it.
Looking at the cabin I am then drawn into it almost
automatically and only by sight or so to speak telescopically. After the first few times
dreaming the dream I tried to resist this but I couldn't.. As I zoom in on the cabin it
becomes transparent and I am suddenly gazing at the scene inside. The walls of course are
logs. The light inside is soft and warm but I don't know where it is coming from. Then I
notice a very attractive very young very blonde little girl. She is sitting in front of
the only window that I am aware of. Sitting, rocking just gazing out that window content
and happy looking. The rocker is a child's rocker, you know small, but real old looking.
She is very pretty in her pink dress with lace at the
collar, cuffs and hem. Her hair is as soft as corn silk and about that color too. In her
hair is a pink ribbon holding back her hair so only part of her ears are showing. Soft
gentle curls cascade out of the ribbon and seem to flow from it. The curls sway easily a
tiny bit as she rocks back and forth. With all this that I see I can't remember ever
seeing her face though.
I am aware of her emotions also almost as if I am connected
to her feelings. She is content, happy and pleased by the sights outside the window.
Rocking in the little chair and gazing out the window makes her very happy. Then an
overwhelming feeling sweeps over my whole consciousness. I have an unmistakable knowledge
that I am that little girl in the chair, I knew it, I could feel it, all my being knew I
was her and she was me. At best I was completely confused by this sense of a connection
with her. I didn't understand any of this but I knew what I knew. That person in the
rocking chair was me! Why, how, or what for I didn't have the slightest idea. I could feel
the contentment the peace inside this little girl. I knew she was happy where she was and
what she was. All this peace, contentment and connection I could feel.
Then I became aware of a rumbling, distant sound. You know
the kind of sound that when you hear it, even for the very first time, you know it isn't a
good sound something bad is coming. Well, that's what this brought to me, pure fear. As
the sound came closer the little girl's joy turned to terror. Still watching out the
window as the sound and apprehension increased her rocking decreased. Then she stopped
rocking and just leaned towards the window, watching and waiting. She knew what was
approaching and she knew what would happen. I could feel her fear mounting.
Then just as in the beginning of this scene my consciousness
zoomed backwards out into space. Automatically, as if someone just pushed the button on a
rocket and I flew back out to my original, detached, safe position. Once there the
otherwise pastoral scene was transformed into a terrible scene of destruction. The quite
calm cabin was about to be crushed by an avalanche of large rocks and earth.
As I watched from my lofty and safe observation point I
could still feel the little girls' emotions. The peace, warmth, and happiness now were
replaced with terror and panic. It filled me to my very core and I would cry out and weep
uncontrollably. Then the emotional transmitter ceased and it's now terrible transmission
silent. The little girl was dead and so was that part of me that she was. At this point I
would wake up usually drenched with sweat and filled with that lingering terror that
something in me had really died, but I was still alive. Many times after I quit having
that dream I wondered why she died what this nightmare meant. Then one day it hit me I
killed her, each time I denied she was in me. She was the girl in me sitting patiently,
awaiting her time to leave that cabin. Waiting to breathe Gods fresh air, see the
beautiful world He made and show off that pretty pink dress she wore. Time after time the
avalanche of guilt would crush her and the beauty inside her.Leaving me empty, alone, and
crying because I killed her again and again.
Then the dream stopped sort of by itself. As I remember it
may have stopped around the first time I put on one of my sisters' dresses when we moved
into another house in 1959. Time clouds many of the dates but the sights and emotions that
happened over and over I'll never forget.
Well, we are proud now who we are.
We are alive and living our lives together now.
We are at peace now that I have accepted her.
We both are happy now that she is out of that cabin and I am
out of that guilt.
We may still not be able to venture beyond that soft green
velvet lawn and out into that forest of unknowns, yet.
We have put up a welcome sign in the yard finally. The most
important though is I will never lose her ever again. The rest of our lives will be at
peace, happy and together.
Love, Luck, Laughter
Pam 36C
