After Life

Book Two: Purgatory

From Journeys and Transitions

by Melanie

A Clip from Melanie's Video Journal - December 4, 2005

Chapter 99

The Night Before

December 5, 2005

Well, here it is: the night before surgery.  It is 9:48 p.m., and I have surgery in 10 hours at 7:30.

We just got back about an hour ago from dinner with a friend we had met at Cocoon House when we were last here.  Had a wonderful meal at the Noe Valley Pizza Restaurant, which is really a marvelous full-blown Italian place.

After a little more chit chat here in our room at the Parker House B&B, our friend left and I began to upload some more of these journal entries to the web.  Problem is, in reading my words of even a few days ago, Iím really seeing just what a jerk I am in response to Teresaís wonderful loving support.

God, I wish I hadnít put her through all this crap.  But I did.  And all I can hope for now is that surgery goes well and I get the chance to make it up to her by ending my gig as a self-centered prima dona, and taking her feelings into account.  No, more than that Ė to focus on her feelings first, as one does with the person one loves, and not to use her as a scapegoat or a whipping boy.

What can I possibly do to make up for my awful attitude?  Is it even possible?  Jesus, I am so sorry for being such an asshole.  Whatís worse, I have a feeling that I may very well have always been this way, and only now come to see it.  Oh, I hope that is not the case, or at least that the depth of my fault appears larger to me than it really is, just as I seem to have no ability to see myself as others see me.

Iíve got to get to bed for surgery.  Iíll wrap up the events of the day in a short note:

Drove her in three hours.  Saw Dr. O.  He says heíll take 4mm (about 1/6 of an inch) off the length of my upper lip.  Iíll be in twilight sleep, basically a morphine drip in IV, so I might be awake the whole time, or drop out.  So safe, they donít even need a blood test first.  Procedure will take 90 minutes, recovery no more than 30, and then Iím on the road home.

Paid the check to Mira, signed all the forms.  Tricia stopped by while I was checking in with admissions.  She had seen my name on the surgery list for the next day and had tracked me down from Dr. Oís office to say hello to Teresa and me.  Sheís really a wonderful person, and I hope is becoming a wonderful friend to us both.

Well, Teresa has just turned off the TV.  Time for bed.  No fear her.  No expectations of solving the emotional need to see myself as having transformed from the man in the mirror.  Simply expecting to upgrade one masculine feature toward the feminine so I will end the soft-clockings and get on with life.

Thatís it, gotta go.  Time for bed and dreams of an end to Purgatory.

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