October 31, 2005
Halloween
1:13 p.m.
Last night, when we went to bed, the tension lifted.
I explained to Teresa how yesterday’s entry turned out, and how
much she meant to me. It turns
out that her greatest fear is that I will someday leave her.
If she could only see my heart, she would know that I would never.
But, as I have said throughout this journal, I have the
same fears about her, which she also assures me are groundless.
Perhaps the greatest security in a relationship is knowing that both
parties fear the other one leaving them.
Regardless, we snuggled and cooed, went to sleep happy,
and slept until the alarm went off for Teresa’s next pain pill.
We hadn’t slept that well since days before her surgery.
In the morning, we were both in such good spirits that
the clouds of the last few days could not help but part. And we spent a very pleasant morning chatting and going about
our various chores.
After looking in the mirror when I first awoke, I
finally came to a decision about what, if any, cosmetic work I wanted to do.
After yesterday’s experience when completely dressed down, and
after days of speculation and last night’s look at my wrap-around photo
series, I determined that I would, indeed, have surgery to curl up and make
fuller my upper lip.
So, a couple hours after Mira comes into the office, I
called her to put it all in motion. At
that time, she was just about to remove the nose packing from yet another
patient, and said she would call back after noon.
I took the opportunity to get dressed and run down to
the Post Office to mail some essential bills, then stopped by the Safeway to
pick up some day-wear firming cream to help with those pesky jowls.
As usual, I can never leave a store with only what I came for, so I
stocked up on a few sale items as well.
As I walked back into the house, Teresa handed me the
phone and said, “Call Mira,” which I quickly did, even before unloading.
In short order, I got all the specifics of the surgery.
It is done under a local anesthetic – you are still knocked out
from an IV of drugs, but the effect is just to put you to sleep, not to
depress the whole body – more as if you are having a wisdom tooth out.
The procedure takes about ninety minutes.
My lip will be swollen for between two to three weeks before I start
to forget about it. There will
be a small, almost invisible scar under my nose.
But the results will be a truly female, very feminine mouth.
In comparing Teresa’s before pictures last night to
her most recent ones, it is so very clear why she had to go to such
extremes. And despite the pain
and expense, she clearly made the very best choice.
Her life now will be one of peace and self-assuredness.
Although I pass completely when dressed up,
yesterday’s experiment showed me that I am still at risk of being read
under the right conditions. Now
it may seem vain, especially to those who would love to look good enough to
not get read under perfect conditions, but when you truly know yourself to
be a woman inside, it is far too painful to allow for any possibility of not
passing, especially after 38 years of living as a fraction of a soul
pretending to be male.
As with Teresa, I just want to be whole.
I want to be complete. Not
ninety eight or ninety nine percent complete, but the whole enchilada.
I want to divest myself of any remaining male attributes, and not
just in the eyes of others, but in my own eyes as well.
This lip surgery may have a positive impact on that
last little potential for readability, but I am hoping it will have a
transforming effect on how I read myself.
So, the date is set for December 6th.
I send a $500 deposit in tomorrow, and pay another $3,200 on the 5th
when I arrive for my pre-surgery appointment.
It is both liberating and terrifying to face yet
another surgery. It has been a
dozen years since my last. I
cannot even imagine how much fear Teresa (and others who opt for the full
package) have to conquer, nor how much anxiety hangs in the balance of what
the final results will be.
Between now and my surgery, Teresa will continue to
heal. Her swollen bones will
calm, and the true shape of her new female face will emerge. Because her work was so much more extensive, I should be
completely healed while she still has another month before the swelling is
almost completely down.
I’m sure many unexpected turns await us as we move
toward these goals and milestones. But
today, I already feel more confident in myself, knowing that I have made the
commitment, and Teresa is enjoying renewed closeness to me, and new-found
peace, now that she knows I no longer feel left behind.
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