October 25, 2005
Finally, a lazy day!
Which is just as well, with all the remaining items of consideration.
Before bed last night, and again in the middle of the
night, Teresa and I spoke of our feelings, of how she needed to change the
outside to match the person she knew to be inside.
While I need to discover the person inside that I have never come to
know, who already matched the outside but was never fully known to me.
We arrived at an analogy.
All you techno-geek transsexuals out there will love this…
Picture the mind as RAM.
Picture the heart as ROM. The
heart comes filled with all the information needed to provide the operating
system for your mind. On
start-up (birth), part of the ROM is loaded into the RAM. At key junctures, additional information is sent from the ROM
to the Ram, such as, when one is up and walking, when one reaches puberty,
and so on.
For the transsexual, if you accept what the ROM is
giving you, your mind become more and more fully and maturely and naturally
female, and you find yourself progressively more at odds with your word,
you’ll feel like a woman in a man’s body, and probably transition early.
But if you are really passive, you may do like I did
and create a false make construct to act as a mask and shield.
At first, this works fine. But
as you continue to develop it, you have taken over more and more memory in
the RAM. So when the ROM
reaches a critical juncture and tries to load the next part of a growing
female psyche, it realizes there isn’t enough space.
And since the RAM takes precedence over the ROM, the ROM simply holds
off, waiting for enough memory space to open up in RAM.
But that never happens.
The Male Shield Machine continues to hog the memory and such a
transsexual feels different than both men and women, so they never come to
feel like a woman in a man’s body. They
have only part of their female ROM and a lot of male RAM. These folk usually try to make it in the world as males,
believe their female tendencies to be aberrations, have careers, get
married, make babies, and live life without ever knowing the full extent of
the woman’s mind they were supposed to have.
If they are very lucky, some set of circumstances will
bring them to feel so incomplete in their lives that they finally explore
that hidden area they were afraid to explore lest it leak out and be seen by
others. You eventually begin
transition, usually in your mid to late 30s, early 40s, and hope that this
isn’t really your course because you think, “What a waste of the first
part of my life when I could have been young and pretty.”
And you also have all these responsibilities, obligations, and
commitments that you would feel dishonorable to abandon.
Yet, the more you follow the trail, the more it seems
right. And yet, even after
transition is complete, all the way through RLT, SRS, FFS, and whatever the
hell else you end up doing to feel right about yourself, for these late
changers, there is often the feeling that life isn’t as real, isn’t as
much as it should be, faded colors, always stopping short of true
fulfillment.
Then, if you are even more lucky, you find someone like
Teresa – someone who can guide you to become aware of the female ROM
waiting in the wings of your head.
With years of effort, you come to realize that you can
never be the woman you were meant to be, never feel in your head and heart
to fullness of your womanhood, until you are willing, once and for all, to
take the leap of faith and let go of that male construct.
If you do, though, you eliminate the protections on
those files and invite the ROM to overwrite them.
This happens quickly, and in moments, almost like a flash, your
pseudo male self has been purged from the system and replaced with all the
ROM programming you were supposed to have.
It is a true leap of faith because once that male
persona is gone, the one you spent a lifetime (in my case almost half a
century) developing, there is no getting it back.
You have not just put it in the desktop trash can or recycle bin, you
have emptied the trash with no way ever to recover it.
Based on this talk of the night before, I once more
went to the mirror. And I
realized that I always was a woman inside, and that Dave’s eyes were
really a woman’s eyes. And as
I started at my reflection, even with my hair pulled back to reveal my full
forehead, I saw no reminders of a male self there.
Rather, I saw a reflection that reminded me of the woman, Dave.
Throughout the day, I tried it again and again, always
with the same result. I can now
accept that I don’t need further work.
I see that both Teresa and I have been truly transformed by the FFS
experience.
Doctor Ousterhout performed two surgeries for the price
of one. He performed physical
surgery on Teresa’s face to let the woman inside shine through. He performed psychic surgery on me to let the woman inside
come out.
Tomorrow, Mira will remove the splint from Teresa’s
nose, and she will see her new face complete for the first time.
We’ll return to Cocoon House to gather our gear, and take the 2 ½
hour drive back to our home in the Sierras and the new life that stretches
out before us.
Teresa and I are both now real women.
We both know our hearts. We
both look the part. We both
have no fear of being read. And
we have grown so close through these few intense days, that our lives,
already intertwined, have now become one.
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