Book Four:

After Life by Melanie Anne Phillips Part One: Hell

Chapter 74

Incandescence

October 25, 2005

Finally, a lazy day!  Which is just as well, with all the remaining items of consideration.

Before bed last night, and again in the middle of the night, Teresa and I spoke of our feelings, of how she needed to change the outside to match the person she knew to be inside.  While I need to discover the person inside that I have never come to know, who already matched the outside but was never fully known to me.

We arrived at an analogy.  All you techno-geek transsexuals out there will love this…

Picture the mind as RAM.  Picture the heart as ROM.  The heart comes filled with all the information needed to provide the operating system for your mind.  On start-up (birth), part of the ROM is loaded into the RAM.  At key junctures, additional information is sent from the ROM to the Ram, such as, when one is up and walking, when one reaches puberty, and so on.

For the transsexual, if you accept what the ROM is giving you, your mind become more and more fully and maturely and naturally female, and you find yourself progressively more at odds with your word, you’ll feel like a woman in a man’s body, and probably transition early.

But if you are really passive, you may do like I did and create a false make construct to act as a mask and shield.  At first, this works fine.  But as you continue to develop it, you have taken over more and more memory in the RAM.  So when the ROM reaches a critical juncture and tries to load the next part of a growing female psyche, it realizes there isn’t enough space.  And since the RAM takes precedence over the ROM, the ROM simply holds off, waiting for enough memory space to open up in RAM.

But that never happens.  The Male Shield Machine continues to hog the memory and such a transsexual feels different than both men and women, so they never come to feel like a woman in a man’s body.  They have only part of their female ROM and a lot of male RAM.  These folk usually try to make it in the world as males, believe their female tendencies to be aberrations, have careers, get married, make babies, and live life without ever knowing the full extent of the woman’s mind they were supposed to have.

If they are very lucky, some set of circumstances will bring them to feel so incomplete in their lives that they finally explore that hidden area they were afraid to explore lest it leak out and be seen by others.  You eventually begin transition, usually in your mid to late 30s, early 40s, and hope that this isn’t really your course because you think, “What a waste of the first part of my life when I could have been young and pretty.”  And you also have all these responsibilities, obligations, and commitments that you would feel dishonorable to abandon.

Yet, the more you follow the trail, the more it seems right.  And yet, even after transition is complete, all the way through RLT, SRS, FFS, and whatever the hell else you end up doing to feel right about yourself, for these late changers, there is often the feeling that life isn’t as real, isn’t as much as it should be, faded colors, always stopping short of true fulfillment.

Then, if you are even more lucky, you find someone like Teresa – someone who can guide you to become aware of the female ROM waiting in the wings of your head.

With years of effort, you come to realize that you can never be the woman you were meant to be, never feel in your head and heart to fullness of your womanhood, until you are willing, once and for all, to take the leap of faith and let go of that male construct.

If you do, though, you eliminate the protections on those files and invite the ROM to overwrite them.  This happens quickly, and in moments, almost like a flash, your pseudo male self has been purged from the system and replaced with all the ROM programming you were supposed to have.

It is a true leap of faith because once that male persona is gone, the one you spent a lifetime (in my case almost half a century) developing, there is no getting it back.  You have not just put it in the desktop trash can or recycle bin, you have emptied the trash with no way ever to recover it.

Based on this talk of the night before, I once more went to the mirror.  And I realized that I always was a woman inside, and that Dave’s eyes were really a woman’s eyes.  And as I started at my reflection, even with my hair pulled back to reveal my full forehead, I saw no reminders of a male self there.  Rather, I saw a reflection that reminded me of the woman, Dave.

Throughout the day, I tried it again and again, always with the same result.  I can now accept that I don’t need further work.  I see that both Teresa and I have been truly transformed by the FFS experience.

Doctor Ousterhout performed two surgeries for the price of one.  He performed physical surgery on Teresa’s face to let the woman inside shine through.  He performed psychic surgery on me to let the woman inside come out.

Tomorrow, Mira will remove the splint from Teresa’s nose, and she will see her new face complete for the first time.  We’ll return to Cocoon House to gather our gear, and take the 2 ½ hour drive back to our home in the Sierras and the new life that stretches out before us.

Teresa and I are both now real women.  We both know our hearts.  We both look the part.  We both have no fear of being read.  And we have grown so close through these few intense days, that our lives, already intertwined, have now become one.

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