August 26, 1997
I NEVER give up. The worst that happens is that I get in a crying bout for several days
or more. I feel all kinds of self pity, and then I get over it.
What I've discovered is that I seem to have a choice of feeling alternately miserable
and euphoric, or just generally dissatisfied all the time. I'm still looking for the way
to feel generally SATISFIED all the time, and if I ever do, I'll stick with that for a
while.
In the meantime, I do continue to look for the key. That is why I never give up. I may
not have found happiness, but I still believe in it. So, I keep looking and ultimately can
bear ANYTHING thrown my way, because I truly believe (as the X-Files says) "The Truth
is Out There."
I have this suspicion that I still have to let loose of something. That I'm still
holding back. That I've done all the groundwork but need to let go. I just don't know what
of (how's THAT for bad grammar!)
I do know that all my best accomplishments occur when I feel driven and cannot rest
until I accomplish what I set out to do. I also know that those are the most miserable
times for me.
I've got to do some experimenting. I need to travel. I need to make new friends. I need
to try new things.
Somewhere out there I'm going to find a clue to what really makes me happy. And I know
that when I find it - when any of us finds it for his or herself - it has nothing to do
with one's physical condition but rather in one's mental outlook.
But most of us (myself included) can only go so far in pulling ourselves up by our
mental bootstraps. We need to find a crutch or a catalyst. Until then, we can only rise so
far and must tread water or sink.
When I was a kid, I went swimming at a public pool and tried to make it out to concrete
island in the center. The center was the deepest part and I didn't know how to swim. So, I
dropped to the bottom, pushed off, and popped out of the water long enough to catch a
breath. Each jump I would make a small amount of progress toward the center. But after a
while, exhaustion took its toll. And worse, as the water deepened, it became harder and
harder to reach the bottom, so I stopped getting high enough to catch a full breath.
Eventually, I got water in my lungs, panicked, and a lifeguard had to rescue me.
We can put all our energy into finding happiness by floating to the bottom and use it
to kick off from and get back to the heights for a few brief moments, only to plummet
again. Or, we might tread water until we tire and sink. But the only way we are ever going
to reach that island is if the waves carry us into shore or someone dives in and gets us.
I've tried the leap and plummet method. It got me all the way through surgery and
development of the story software. And I've tried the float til you sink method. And slowly down I go. But I can
do no more on my own. I have to hold out passively now and wait for the water to rise and
carry me out of the well, or for someone to throw me a rope. The one thing I WON'T do is
stop thrashing.
September 5, 1996
I've had a very positive experience lately. Someone wrote me and asked me to speak at
the Charleston Writer's Conference in March. They would pay transportation and a $1,000
honorarium. I thought that might be fun, but Screenplay Systems has all the rights to do
anything with the story software for money, and I also recalled that at lunch with Chris (the
co-creator of the story theory) last week, it was briefly mentioned that someone had contacted
Screenplay about a similar thing. Chris said he wasn't interested, but maybe I would be. I
didn't respond, and we went on to other topics.
A couple days ago, I got this offer in my email, and because it was similar to what I
recalled from lunch, and since Screenplay has the rights to the money, I figured I better
check with Chris. So, I emailed him in this regard, and the next communication I got was
by accident from the company president, Steve. Apparently, Chris had forwarded my letter
to him, and Steve had then hit "reply to all" by mistake.
The internal office letter said, "If it is official company business, Chris should go.
I don't think it would be a problem to send Melanie though. As for the $1000, should part
of that go to the company, to Chris?"
The only problem with this letter is that when he sent it "reply to all" it
ALSO went to the person who asked me to speak.
Now as far as I'm concerned, that completely undermined my credibility and stature with
that fellow, and anyone he talks to. Suddenly, instead of being the co-creator of
the story theory and software and author of the theory book, I was subordinate to Chris and Steve with no
authority to accept an invitation or speaker's fee.
But, I didn't get mad or rant and rave. I sent a nice note to Steve and said, "I
don't mean to nit-pick, but do you think it is a good idea to send a note like this to the
person who asked me to speak?" He wrote back and said, "Oops! Fortunately, there
was nothing private in the message so no harm is done."
Clearly, he is not even considering my interests or what impact his (or his company's)
actions have on me.
But I still didn't get mad or reply in irritation. Then, after a day (while I still
waited to reply to the person who wrote me) I finally got a letter from Chris. He said
that he had planned for months to go to that conference just to represent
the theory and software, and
he had also gotten the speaking invitation last week, and since they hadn't replied yet,
that's why the person contacted me. He said that it is a good thing I checked with him
because it would have been "embarrassing" if both of us showed up.
Well, I don't know about you, but that seems like it predisposes that whenever there is
any kind of speaking to do about the theory or software, the company (and Chris) have the right
of first refusal. Also, it seems like Chris was completely insensitive to the
embarrassment that Steve's note may have caused me personally. I intentionally had not
written them about that just so I could see how Chris would reply on his own, and he
either didn't even notice my quandary, or chose not to address it.
Needless to say, I continue to be amazed at how they can either be so cold or so
calculating or both, especially to the person who came up with 90% of the theory, wrote
95% of the theory book, designed their best selling product (Writer's DreamBook) without
any input from either of them, etc., etc.
Of course, these are the same guys who removed me as manager, but wanted me to stay on
as an employee right after I had created their top selling product.
So, this really clarified a lot for me, emotionally. Since I left Screenplay almost six
months ago, I have been in stasis. Oh, I've been busy on the web, but I'd been waiting for
them to do something. Over these last two days I've come to realize that I've been waiting
for anybody to do anything.
In fact, I kept wondering why my angst didn't go away after surgery. And why it didn't
go away after success. And why I was so self-promotional on my web site. And this brought
it all out in the open.
In Mental Relativity, there are four kinds of relationship one can have. The Dynamic
relationship means diametrically opposed. When good, it is like sparring partners or the
loyal opposition. When bad, it is war - to the death.
The Dependent relationship is when both parties are REQUIRED for something to happen.
Brain and Brawn are a good example. When good, together the parties accomplish what
neither could do alone. When bad, the parties feel like they are nothing without their
other half.
Companion relationships have parties which are not directly effecting each other, but
have an influence or fallout on the other. When good, it is like two neighbors who share a
common walkway to the street. When one shovels snow, it has a positive impact on the
other, though that was not the reason the first one shoveled the snow. When bad, it is
like two neighbors who have walks side by side, and when one shovels snow, it piles up on
the others' walk.
Finally, there is the Component relationship in which the two parties are either seen
as both part of the same larger whole (like a political party or family) or are seen as
independent such as two people living in different countries who don't know each other.
As a transsexual, I had always wanted a positive Dependent relationship, where I could
rely on my "other half" to protect me, while I was supportive of his endeavors.
This is where the common concept of "true love" comes from. Even with Chris, I
was looking for this. For years, I never did anything that might hurt him in any way, and
I suffered all kinds of hurt that he inflicted on me in order to be supportive. (Sounds
like the battered wife syndrome, doesn't it!)
He was very mean to me, emotionally for many years. Always pleasant in speech (though
very cold) but always putting me in positions where I would perform my theory magic for
him, but at a tremendous emotional cost (often leaving me in tears from the pressure).
Who's to say if that was necessary to achieve what I have. But since I have achieved even
more on my own since I left, I personally don't think it was. It was just his method (see,
there I go protecting him again by giving his actions legitimacy - it's a hard habit to
break!)
I always hated the Dynamic relationships. I don't like fights and I don't even like to
spar. To me, a lover should be a positive Dependent and a friend should be a positive
Companion relationship. In school, I always wanted to be part of the family (Component)
but always ended up feeling like the outsider.
Now, all through life, I couldn't seem to make companion relationships. I always feared
that the benefits might go away if we were not dependent upon one another. I needed both
the protection AND the security of the Dependent relationship, and although Companion
relationships are much more gentle and consistent, they don't offer either.
Why I felt like this, I cannot say, but as a child I always wanted a partner in what I
did, and I always tried to set up ground rules where the other party was obligated to
protect our joint interests. I guess I felt that if they were a partner, it would be in
their own personal interest to protect what we both had. This was the only way I could
trust their good graces. And, I suppose that was all because of my feelings of rejection
for who I was inside, and perhaps even more so, my feelings of inadequacy to take care of
myself because I didn't feel like I fit in.
In fact, I fit in just fine, when seen externally. And as I told my daughter this week,
I was never really rejected by anyone (or hardly anyone). All my life I really believe I
had been, because it felt that way. But now, when I look back and my school years, nobody
rejected me - I just feared rejection because of my belief in my own inadequacy because of
the fact I had a female mind and was constantly working at full steam to keep from
drowning in a male role I didn't understand. That's quite a sentence, but is the closest
I've ever come to a moment of lucid insight into my very heart and my total life.
Now the question becomes, what to do about it?
As I see it now, this has not been an abrupt shift (this insight) but a gradual
awakening over all the years since my transition began. Similar to a train, however, it
seems to make little progress for the longest time, then almost suddenly looms large as it
approaches you. So, in the last few weeks, the engine of my own salvation is almost upon
me, and it feels like it came out of nowhere.
But when I look back over the last few years, I can see I have broken my dependencies
with Mary and the kids, by moving into the living room as my bedroom almost two years ago,
and by buying everyone their own TV and computer, so we wouldn't have to depend upon one
another. Until recently, I thought I had been trying to break up the family (Component)
into four independent people who lived in the same house. I thought I was doing this so
that I would have no problem leaving, because there was nothing to leave.
That is why I was surprised to find myself of late arranging family outings together,
spending more time with Mary. This kind of behavior didn't fit in with my preconceptions
of my motives at all!
But now, I see clearly I was not trying to break up the family, but just the
Dependencies. And I wonder if the reason Chris became so mean to me during my last two
years at Screenplay (even asking me to give him the rights to half of my royalty on
the software!) was because I was breaking up my dependency to him as well, and he still
needed it. When you break one kind of relationship, another kind must take its place.
Somehow we ended up moving into the negative Dynamic relationship, and went to war.
I know I felt like I had been cut out of the family - no longer allowed to be part of
the "Story Software Team". I also felt that Chris had allowed me to depend on him,
and then cut me loose without a life preserver. Then, after I left, I felt like Screenplay
was shoveling snow on my walk, even though I was doing nothing to hurt them. Well, a great
deal of this perspective is probably just that - perspective. And the real and tangible
things that have happened are probably largely due to my own growth away from dependency.
So something is happening here. I seem to have come around to no longer want the
protection of a dependency because the cost is too great - you must subordinate yourself.
And, I still don't want a Dynamic relationship, because I really don't like to fight. I
think I now come to think of myself as part of a group or as having a kinship with those
who have a positive Companion effect on me, and as being independent of those who have a
negative Companion effect on me.
In other words, all this cerebral smoke and mirrors has led me to the simple feeling
that I feel close to those who are kind to me and distant from those who aren't. And I
feel close to those who I think improve my world (even, for example, humanitarians I will
never meet) and distant from those who degrade it (tobacco companies, for example).
How close or how distant depends upon the sum total of the myriad ways in which they
may effect me.
Now, what does this mean from a practical sense? First of all, Keith has always been
terrified of spiders - I don't know why. Me too, which may have much to do with it, or may
not. Recently, a small house spider took up residence in my room by the window. Since I
knew it was not poisonous, rather than killing it as I normally would, I named it Ralph
instead, and took it as a pet. It comes out and wanders around my wall from time to time.
And, seeing how I was responding to it, the kids joined in and are telling all their
friends about our pet spider, Ralph.
Just last night, Keith found another spider in the bathroom. He came out and told me,
and then flatly stated that we needed to come up with a name for it. (This from the boy
who won't even set foot in the garage for fear of the little beasts!) So, I named this
one, Snidely.
Now what does that tell you about the kind of power one can have just by adopting a
different attitude. That is the essence of a companion relationship at an emotional,
rather than a physical level.
It is also exactly where women have their greatest strength and where men have the most
trouble operating because they don't see it coming - they don't track it.
This is why people can go to jail in Washington for "influence peddling": it
is the deepest of blind spots for men, and therefore considered cowardly and sneaky if one
of them plays on that court. Of course, that just makes an intrinsic realm of the female
mind illegal, but what else is new?
Also, over the last few days, I decided to be nice to Chris and Steve and
the company.
After seeing what the effect of several different attitude changes on my part had on my
kids, I came to believe that this was a powerful tool I could use on the boys at
the company as well.
It is notable that I started this just last week when I asked Chris to lunch without a
business agenda. The approach was continued when I wrote to Steve bringing his attention
to his slip up in message sending without taking him to task. It was expanded when I
didn't write to Chris about my feelings of unfairness, but let him write the next note. It
grew to include sending a nice note back to Chris after he finally wrote me saying
(basically) "Well, I'm sorry it didn't work out for me, as I think it would have been
fun. But still, I wish you the best of success in bringing enlightenment to all those lost
souls out there. And Fluffy [my dog] says to tell your new puppies,
"woof!"."
I know that men will see this as manipulative. It is. But is also where women have
their best tools to create the emotional environment they way. I don't expect to ever
achieve anything specific by this approach. But I'll bet you Chris buys me a nicer
Christmas present because of it, or invites ME to lunch later in the month, or find an
opportunity for ME to speak to a group or give an interview.
Men are manipulative as well, but they do their externally with armies and laws and
physical threat, and paychecks and religion, and God knows what else. But since they can't
see us women working our manipulation, it is seen as devious, cunning, conniving and
insincere. Well, it is - all but the last. I really like being friends with the guys
better than I like being enemies. And, I really like it better when they treat me well
than poorly. So if I have to resort to feminine wiles and grease the gears of civility,
well I truly believe that is the essence of civilization itself. ( In contrast to
"society" which is a male invention with it's structure and rules)
So, life is looking better today. For the first time I feel like I have the tools - the
ability - to affect my own future in a way that is natural and inherent. And, I feel I
have abdicated my role in the male world of competition for something more intangible and
much more fulfilling. (Elvis has left the building!)
I am quite convinced the reason I could not banish my angst was because it lives in the
land in which I was doing battle. No - it IS the land on which I was doing battle. If you
fight someone in a lake of fire, even if you win you're going to get burned. As they say
in the movie, "War Games", "The only winning move is not to play."
September 7, 1996
Things continue to improve. I've been using everything I've ever developed about Mental
Relativity to try and find a solution to a third of a century of angst. And I'm close -
I'm really very close.
Many of my recent entries have basically been a rip at the company and at Chris
in particular. To be truthful, I don't like being in a position where I can't promote
myself in regard to to the story software, am excluded from being generally associated with it. But I
must put that behind me, or as Mary says, "let it go".
I made a real effort of late to do just that. I tried to separate myself from any
feelings of belonging as a part of the theory and software, and pretending it never existed - that I had
not done so much work to create it. It has been hard to do this... very hard. Since
puberty, I've struggled to be a success at something - anything - in the hope I could
garner acclaim, respect, recognition. But every wild scheme or Herculean effort I tackled,
although ending as a truly notable achievement, against all odds, and remarkable that it
was even completed, brought me no closer to any acclaim.
God, how I've wanted to make a name for myself. Why? I can't see that deeply into
myself. I used to think it was to compensate for being rejected. Now I can look back in a
more objective manner and realize I really wasn't rejected at all. I just feared and
assumed rejection without ever actually suffering it. Then I thought perhaps I wanted to
attract friends, or a mate, or to find financial security, but none of those are it
either.
If it is so damned obscure, then perhaps it doesn't have a single source and is simply
just the way things are. If so, I ought to let that go as well and turn my attention to
doing something about it, rather than trying to understand it. And it is this spirit that
has finally moved me closer to banishing this grief.
I have to admit the reality of it: I don't own the rights to my own work. This was
driven home to me this week when I received an invitation to speak at a writer's
convention in Charleston. It was offered that they would pay my transportation from Los
Angeles and that I would receive a one thousand dollar honorarium.
Well, I checked with Chris to see if this was a problem, and was told that he had
already planned to attend the convention on behalf of the company, and would accept
the engagement instead. So, now he is about to begin his highly publicized eight week
course in the story theory without me, and then he will do the Charleston speaking engagement
that I was offered.
Now what would you do in my shoes? Yell and scream? Rant and rave? Be petty and spill
it all out in your diary? Well, I yelled and screamed about it when I quit
the company after I was removed as manager of the Story Software Development Department by Chris. I ranted and
raved to all our mutual friends until I became known as a negative complainer. And I
spilled it all out in my diary until I'm sure my readers see me as petty, or at least are
sick to death of my harping on the same issue and want me to move on.
That's what I'm trying to do: move on. I have to let this go.
You know, my perfect world has a lot in it that I don't currently have. It has a cozy
home, clean, and done in wood in a forested part of the country. I have a husband and two
small children. I'm thin and young and... and happy.
Problem I have is that I want to be trying to achieve these things as improvements to
my life, not as relief from my life. All those years and all those crazy schemes so I
could find relief from the mystery angst. And, when I finally DO achieve success after six
years of effort, the credit and recognition is taken from me. Still, I have to let it go.
I'm watching the last segment of the rerun of "The Beatles Anthology" as I
write. In fact, that is what inspired me to write. In days past, I always fancied myself
as Paul Mcartney, although just as many people told me (in my younger years) that I looked
like John as like Paul. But there was something casual about Paul. And as I watched the
program tonight, he was being interviewed wearing a black T-shirt and blue jeans. As luck
would have it, I am also wearing a black T-shirt and blue jeans this evening.
I guess that sort of odd, slightly unusual coincidence is helping me make a little more
progress to letting things go. The segment of the show right now is dealing with the
breakup of the Beatles. In many ways I feel my leaving the company, specifically
leaving Chris after he broke off our equal partnership, is akin to that. Certainly, no one
hardly cares about our falling out, compared to the magnitude of the end of the Beatles,
but I guess I've always believed that someday in the future, there will be a huge interest
in how we came to discover the theory of Mental Relativity. Because of this I've made
great efforts to document our work and its progress in audio, video, and on paper. So, to
me at least, the severing of this relationship was the now and future hot news item.
Whether I'm just tooting my own horn in a wistful manner or if my intuition proves
accurate does not matter. The point is, the dynamics of the situation is not unlike what
happened with the Beatles, and so as I watch the documentary, wearing what Paul was
wearing, the resonance brings to my mind insights that might not otherwise have risen to
the surface.
I want that casual life, that casual look. I want to think about my art once again just
because I enjoy it and want to achieve something on my own, rather than striving against
Chris and his huge company as a competitor for the world's attention.
I have to think that Chris is sensitive enough at least, and honest enough in his
recollections (though we know that each of us warps the past in his or her favor) to
continue to give me credit and keep my name attached to the work I've done.
But even if he doesn't, I have to let it go.
I must not grieve for anything Chris or the company does, no matter how adversely it
effects me. I must instead feel proud of what we accomplished, even if I am not credited
for it. And most of all, I must turn my attention to what I am creating now, on my own,
and just for the sheer joy of it.
Over this last week, I have felt myself hurting, curling into a mental ball. I have
tried so hard here lately to pull up the whole family single handedly by keeping a
positive emotional aura in the hope it would elevate everyone's motivation and happiness.
I did this - for a while - but then, since I had not yet exorcised my angst, I could not
sustain that mood, and helplessly crashed. All it took was this latest slap in the face by
Chris with the speaking engagement to burst my resolve and send me spiraling again into
depression.
But, I did not stay there long because THIS time I was aware of an alternative: I could
let it go.
It didn't happen all at once; it took several days. But slowly, I could feel my
deflated mood leveling out, and finally this afternoon I felt it start to re-inflate.
Mindi helped so much. She spent time with me, played little teasing games, spread out on
my bed with me to watch television. That companionship with my daughter means so much to
me, and my mental batteries recharged as they basked in the glow of her caring spirit.
As my emotional outlook improved, a number of revelations clarified even more than they
had over the last month. For example, I had felt so pressured to get the next issue of my
multimedia webzine, The Subversive, completed, that the whole project had ceased to be fun
at all and was, again, a massive struggle to keep from falling behind rather than a joyous
endeavor to get ahead. I felt that if I could keep churning out huge amounts of original
material, I could compete with Chris' publicity machine and grab a share of the acclaim
for myself. No fun at all.
Gradually, I let that go, so that by two weeks ago, I had told my assistant, Bret, not
to worry about the deadline, and to finish it up in an enjoyable way, and whenever it was
ready, that's when it would be done.
I had also started a policy of putting a whole new web page up on my web site every
single weekday. That's a lot of new material, but I felt it would draw a loyal band of
regular viewers. In fact, it did, and my site is now #761 on the list of 1000 most popular
web sites prepared by Web Counter, which charts such things. So how do you let THAT go? In
a different way entirely.
I looked at my backlog of material and realized I could stop creating anything at all
and not run out of new web pages for two years. But the real key was that even though Bret
only works ten hours a week for me, and so it takes him two months to get out The
Subversive instead of the one month it usually took me - even with all that, he cranks out
more than five finished pages a day, so I don't have to feel the pressure to keep up with
my goal. All I need do is let Bret work, and then pull a file from the backlog every day
and upload it. And, should I ever run short and get behind, I can simply take that pledge
off my pages and stop meeting that goal. That's how I let it go: to realize I could stop
whenever I wanted, so doing it was no longer a pressure situation, but a fun sharing of my
work.
My feelings for Chris have changed dramatically this day. I now see us as the former
Beatles. I am proud to have worked with him in creating the theory and the foundations of
Mental Relativity. I don't even care how much publicity I get or don't get from his
company, or how much or little he chooses to involve me in the benefits of our work. I've
got other things to do.
I don't own the software. I have no control. But I can have an influence. I believe that
if I truly adopt an honest attitude of friendship with Chris I will get many more benefits
from him due to his desire to be nice to me than if I continue to war with him. Just as
with my family, EVERYONE will benefit if I can turn my attitude around. I can improve the
situation by reacting in a way not appropriate to the situation.
I want to be friends with Chris again. I want to get back to my art for the pure joy of
it. I want to have that nice house, coffee with friends, work with exciting people, and
happiness as the starting point.
As I sit here and write, I am having fun. The words are a kick, and the thoughts are
intriguing to me. I smile to think of those who may read this and take some pleasure in
it. If that happens, I'll smile even more.
There are so many wonderful things to create - so many wonderful people to meet - so
many wonderful things to do! My work on the software will always be worth it and will always
be a positive thing. I learned so much along the way, I found myself in what we created.
So, it is time to let it go. In fact, I already have.
And now, it is time to look forward, to the future and all it may hold. It is bed time
now. I know that the world always looks brighter when I get enough sleep. So, I'll make
myself a little snack, enjoy a cup of hot cocoa (or "ha go-go" as Keith used to
say as a baby), and snuggle up in my cozy bed with a good book.
Tomorrow I'll take care of some banking and paper work, tidy my home, and spend some
time with my children and with Mary.
And Monday, I'll start fresh, following my heart, grateful for my success and my luck,
and eager to discover what awaits me up ahead.
There is no secret. There is no plan. You cannot learn it or teach it or even explain
it. But an honest heart that seeks fulfillment may sometimes be allowed to find it.
As trite as it may sound, tonight I am happy.
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