Boiled in Oil
Part Two: Broken Promises
Wishing for Nothing
October 12, 1993
Last night I attended a gathering put on by Barbara's husband Glenn that explores Native American philosophies. Interesting... I find myself torn between a concise reporting of my discoveries and a full blown experiential sharing of the evening. Hmmm... what to do.....
I had not been previously exposed to a great deal of Native American philosophy, so most of what I heard was new. But new only in the story telling. The message behind it all was very old, and old to me as well, as it illuminated portions of the same understandings Mental Relativity fosters.
There were touch points in chaos, space and time, and the nature of the soul. This was both disappointing and pleasing to me, as I understand so much so clearly these days with Mental Relativity that, as Chris says, "The magic is gone." There are no more mysteries for me. Yes there is much I do not know and much that surprises me. But there is nothing that requires a major realignment of my perspectives and beliefs because they have all become so fluid and mobile that they are constantly realigning themselves from moment to moment and never stick in place.
The view thus created is so unjustified that it becomes responsive to only two things: outside and inside force. There is no second-guessing, no re-consideration, and therefore no wonder and no awe.
Perhaps this perspective is a temporary one, a rest stop on the road to a new adventure. But for now, I felt somewhat cheated by the whole affair. Not by Glenn, who shared a wealth of insight and lore, but by myself because I knew it already and could learn nothing new there.
Western logic goes so far and hits a brick wall. Eastern and Essential People's philosophies come in from the other side and are lost in a void. Between them stands an abyss - a gulf, a chasm. It is a no-man's land. In fact, it is the heart of woman that stands between the two. Mental Relativity bridges the gap, connecting the West and the East, the refined and the essential in a seamless, continuous spectrum. With M R, one can go from particle to wave, space to time without a bump in the middle.
Woman had this emotional knowledge before language. Language is the Great Curse. Feelings cannot be phrased, but only approximated in a pale, unidimensional object called a word. From the moment men developed language, the heart of Woman began to darken.
Woman today is blinded to her internal eye. She not only does not see from it, but has forgotten it even exists within her. But as society moves from the externally oriented frontier society in which male skills prosper to an internal information society halfway between male and female, we all stand so close to the blind eye that we sense its darkness and wish for light.
M R is the light. It is a tool cast in the male mold that points the way to Woman's heart. Men can look into the heart, but they cannot feel it beat within their chests. Brains are wired, Time or Space. First one, then the other - but which one first? If Time is first, the emotions are clear. If Space is first, the world is. Woman is Time and Man is Space, we see each other but cannot be each other.
Society is experiencing transition toward a sex change. Instead of material deals between material people, the Information Superhighway, built upon the Internet right-of-way becomes the biochemistry of society. The Body Politick now has flow. What Mind will be created?
The next step in human evolution is not human. Male and Female combine in hardware and software to progenate a new consciousness, a global consciousness in which we all are thoughts or prayers as the Iroquois believe.
We lose nothing as individuals but gain a oneness with the world. The time is now to step into Woman Heart and walk in the future.
Well, that's not what I started out to say. But it is what I said. By the way, the meeting last night was in a twenty foot traditional tipi with a ritual fire in the center of the circle. We listened, sang, made offerings to the fire and shared.
October 14, 1993
I've been in something of the doldrums for the last two weeks. I had no real sense of motive direction and was merely drifting with the current. To be sure, many of the activities I was engaged in I had instigated myself, but not recently. Rather, I was simply responding to the routine I had laid in place for myself months ago. Even going to new events and gathering new experiences was along the path I had previously set.
Yesterday was Andy's 40th birthday and I could feel something beginning to stir within the lowest foundations of my mind; working its way up. These new dynamics came near to the surface while we watched the movie I took Andy to for a present: The Joy Luck Club. It is a thematic movie with a progressive emotional experience told by sequentially shifting among the characters as Main Character from her own story, covering one of the thematic movements.
Somehow this got things moving in me. I must have cried a dozen times during the movie, and each time the tears came from a different place.
Afterward, we had dinner, just Andy and me. I could tell he was working his way up to trying to be Karen again, and I was glad for him. He has never said this was on his mind in so many words, but I can tell. And I told him so. And he acted like I had seen right through him.
I am happy for him that his wounds have healed enough to try again. I don't think he will ever be happy as a man. Like me, he might have been more than content but less than happy if the right woman would stick with him. I could have been that woman. But I have chosen not to leave my family, so he only gets me one night a week. His life is in my hands. I must do what's right for me.
But what is right for me? The doldrums have held me windless and clueless in the Hoo Doo Sea. Last night I felt near death. My exhaustion born of short nights and long days reach critical. For a time I thought I would collapse as I stubbornly did my exercises before bed: one can only accept help if one fails completely - so the justification goes.
And justification is the center of the storm. Chris and I have become so unjustified that our conscious minds have taken control of our memories, our feelings, our responses. I don't even jump when a balloon pops anymore. Every inequity sensed by any level of the mind must come to my consciousness for approval before it is let inside. No Trojan Horses here!
But this makes it all so calculated, so contrived. There is no danger but no triumph either. Life had become bland, unchallenging. But what to do? There is no motivation without justification, but where should I place mine?
After years of study I have reached a plateau of fluid mental considerations that balk at givens and dismantle binary states for breakfast. I don't even have to think about it anymore. What used to be a faulty mental system designed to grapple with inequities in the environment has now redefined its infrastructure and spends all its time checking the dam for cracks. Parts are lubed and replaced as necessary - whatever it takes to keep the machine running smoothly. But the damn thing doesn't DO anything. It runs like clockwork and it doesn't do ANYTHING!
So balance is reached, but that is no place to live. One becomes simply responsive, finding the line of least resistance in an objective sense - life and death hold no meaning as long as things are running efficiently.
What to do? I asked Chris and he told me that the three other parts of the mind need to be left alone to do their job. The conscious should arbitrate only when none of the other three can handle the matter. Other times, it must not control them, but receive from them. Desires must filter up and be noted, not analyzed. One makes their mind fluid and loses cause.
But how to avoid justifying in ways that create negative blind spots? How to tip the balance without falling off? There is no meaning in life without holding onto something internal to measure life against.
I had a sign on my wall, dead center, which read "No Givens!" I have just crossed out the "No" and replaced it with "Some". The approach becomes clear. I cannot measure in terms of both space and time - both logic and feeling. But I also cannot neglect to measure them both. One must be the yardstick; the other: the yard. I cannot speak for men. I cannot speak for women here. I can only speak for me. I will trust my feelings. I will let my heart be my guide. I will not question my self. But I will question my logic.
To keep from drifting too far I will pause once each week to evaluate the balance between my feelings and my environment anew. I will make adjustments where necessary or where I suspect greater happiness can be achieved. Then I will let my feelings free again to range the week while my logic is monitored.
I imagine there are some who measure their feelings with their logic. I prefer to measure with my feelings and keep my logic suspect.
October 18, 1993
I have the feeling this journal is about to change in tone. The disruptions in my contentment of late have been largely resolved over the weekend. I have written of this in my online letters elsewhere, so I will not repeat that chronicle here except to say I have chosen. I decided I wanted to be a woman for the rest of my life. As I stood at the balance point, I had finally undone not only all the justifications that Dave had once employed, but also all the justifications that brought me through transition. At this nodal point I could have chosen to go in any direction. But whatever direction I chose I would be moving progressively away from that nodal point building up the resistance to the potential to return.
That was what held me up for so long: as long as I stayed in the middle; as long as I remained transsexual, I had not burned any bridges and had the option to be whoever and whatever I wanted. But, in the middle you cannot be anyone nor anything. You are all potential and no substance. If you move too far from the center you become all substance and no potential. You cannot have both. A true dilemma. I"m sure there are ways to look at this so it is not a dilemma. But having chosen, I cannot see them any longer. I could have from the center, but not now.
So, to me, I needed to pick my future from all possible futures. And, ultimately, I chose to be female, wholly and completely. Over the weekend, I settled in to this new justification; this new direction. I like it here. I no longer consider leaving. I am building my home here.
In terms of sharing Mental Relativity with others, this changes everything. I had positioned myself as MR incarnate: a living version of the neutral engine. I could do that, and very well. But I was not happy. Now, I am happy, but can no longer be neutral. Therefore, I have asked Chris to join me in giving the MR classes I plan to begin in January. Chris has similarly moved (though not completely) to the male side of the equation, choosing his own future. In such positions, we balance, so although neither one of us represents neutrality, we provide both perspectives. MR itself remains neutral in the middle as the focus of us both.
So, look for a different slant on my writings from here on out. I went to the moon, but I've come back. It was a nice place to visit but you can't live there.
I'm not in between anything. Everything is on either side of me.
The moment one of our ancestors picked up and used the first tool the ecology went to hell in a handbasket and humankind began an inexorable pull toward chaos and oblivion as a species.
Any stability can be seen most clearly as an ordered fractal dimension. Any instability is intrinsically chaotic and best appreciation as a frictal transmension.
A universal concept such as "boredom"... where does that fit in the Mental Relativity model? What is its quad? Is "excitement" it's dependent partner? I suppose "interest" is the dynamic partner. That would make "lethargy" the companion pair.
This is a fascinating quad as the center point is not neutrality but a mid-range of attention. Perhaps "attention" is the variation above these four elements.
In a frontier society the drive to justify served to bolster resolve to adapt one's environment to oneself - taming the frontier and forming it into a more compatible environment to the human species. However, in a domestic society, the same drive to justify serves to urge individuals into conformity, even against their basic dispositions. We cannot separate the tendency to justify from our minds, as it is intrinsic to the biology, however we can balance that tendency by installing a Mental Relativity operating system over the existing architecture.
October 19, 1993
I got a letter this morning from one of the girls on my AOL support group. They just signed on a couple of weeks ago. The sent me an email letter just a week ago saying they had read all the back issues of The Subversive and had cried more than ever before in their life. They also said that when they came to the part of my transition diary about my looking through all the closets for my grandfathers loaded rifle so I could end it all, it changed their life because at the time they read it, they had a loaded 9mm pistol on the desk beside them and had decided to end it all.
The letter that came today detailed how they had found the courage to try to be who they needed to be as a result of the people and support files on America Online. They described how they finally got the courage to tell their mother. Instead of rejecting them, mom embraced them, supporting them in every way. Mom even went out on her own and bought her some new clothes. Now she is full of life again and ready to tackle the world with the support of her mother.
Although I rejoice in turn around in her attitude, I know that life is full of ups and downs and changes in direction. There is no way to tell if this effect of my postings and writings will ultimately be a positive or negative one in her life. But all any of us can do is to try our best to offer help without forcing it, to provide guidance without guidelines, and to keep our intent pure so that we never act other than as we believe will help those we share with. Our function as individuals in a society is to make help available but never thrust it upon anyone. We should not force others to conform to our standards of happiness or morality, even if that means watching as they take their own lives. In the end, each organism in the society must act independently, influenced but not controlled by the biochemistry of information flow and peer pressure. Otherwise, the mind of the culture freezes its own chaotic free will, debilitates its thoughts, seizes up and ceases to be.
I'm beginning to work on version # 2 of the story theory & software today. Also on a program to assist individuals in dealing with personal inequities that we are tentatively calling "Alter Ego". Up to this point in my journal, I have kept much of my theory development work out of the text, not seeing it as consistent with the purpose of this forum. Although that was true at one time (especially during the transition phase of my life) it no longer appears to be true at the moment. I've found that publishing my journal month by month three years after it was written separates me from the people and events just enough to both keep it fresh and not too intensely immediate. Most inequities and open issues have resolved themselves by that time allowing for a more objective appreciation of the events as an editor and less risk of offending others or violating trusts.
I have to state here that one of my role models for this journal was Benjamin Franklin, who I admired so much when I was 12 or 14. In those days I read his autobiography and was astonished at the breadth of his concerns. Even as a child I found myself ranging from astrophysics to nuclear physics to poetry, novels, filmmaking, music, art... I was intrigued (and still am to this day) with all the mysteries within my perception. In Franklin I found a kindred soul. (Although his personal life was, shall we say, "shit"?) Nonetheless, Franklin, Edison, Jefferson, Da Vinci, Steve Allen, Paul Winchell: these were my role models - Renaissance men all. I have determined to be the Renaissance woman.
Even as a child I was possessed of an unbridled ego that told me I could be or do whatever I wanted: all I had to do was try. I still believe that. I cannot see anything as impossible - what with space and time and Mental Relativity on my side, its hard to imagine that anything could not be.
I don't think this infinite ability is unique to me at all. Every creature that has been self aware has infinite potential to be. A little DNA nip here, an experiential tuck there and every conscious entity can reach the stars. I guess I'm just so egocentric that I have no trouble believing that, but its true for everyone.
God, the universe is wide open - both externally and internally. There are so many new things to see and do and be and create. What a spectacularly fine world we can live in. The only drawback is the hatred we have for one another. I imagine that even if my limbs were being torn off in some mechanical accident I could bear the pain if I knew that others really cared. Its just that hard heart of the sick mind of our current culture that redoubles the pain, adding isolation to the physical cuts. I suppose that is the center of my motivation: to cure the world of its apathy toward one another. Easy, right?
It is clear that this feeling goes back to my childhood feelings of rejection. If I can make the world love everyone, they can't leave me out either. As a child I HAD that open unconditional love. Was I raised that way? Was it my basic disposition? I think both. I believe in the disposition because I have gotten back to that now. Now that the justifications of the past are washed away, the central me cares just as much as the child me did. But I never would have known my own heart if not raised to find it.
So, all that on the record, I'll turn my considerations toward version 2 of the story theory & software and Alter Ego.
In the story theory & software version 2, one of my prime objectives is to make better use of the temporal progression and dramatic circuit information that the story Engine produces. Currently, every quad can be divided into acts of 1,2,3, and 4. Also each quad provides a PRCP (for Potential, Resistance, Current, and Power). When items from several quads come into conjunction these forces are staggered so that a resistance might meet another resistance and interact. This creates a wide variety of interactions that increases in the complexity of its fabric as more levels, both horizontal and vertical, are brought to bear in our widening consideration. Eventually the logic of this multi-dimensional interference pattern becomes so complex that it exceeds the capacity of the mind to contain it all at one time. As a result, the only way to consider information of that magnitude is emotionally.
This is the old particle/wave trick. At one end we have binary causal relationships, at the other pooled tendencies. The value of Mental Relativity is that is smoothly transitions from one to the other without a gap - something that has hitherto proven impossible.
However, as a result of this ability, the engine can produce any number of "synthesis waves" that represent the combination of various "tension lines" in the story. Character relationships can be compared, or character to theme, theme to plot, plot to character - whatever. The shape of the "synthesis waves" could be initially implemented as a simple two dimensional line to illustrate the PRC or P of the interaction. However, to fully represent the complexity of the emotional meaning another dimension need be added. Perhaps the line could be thick enough to allow for colors representing the PRCP of the interaction. With this method, the colors could gradually blend from one to another while the line rose and fell.
The point is: at this level of appreciation, the less unified the presentation becomes, the less meaning it has. More detail leads to less meaning. The meaning is purely emotional and must give a "feel" for the ebb and flow of dramatic tensions without any parts showing that could be considered independently or in a binary or boundary fashion.
This implementation goes as far as the current engine can take it. Hopefully, version three will incorporate a new engine built from the right minded appreciation of the theoretical model. As such, rather than allowing full manipulation of the structure to produce dynamics, it would provide complete manipulation of the dynamics to produce the structure. In this TBOS (Temporal Brain Operating System) model, one would directly manipulate the "flow" of colors much as one alters the variables and parameters of non-linear iterative equations. Fractal patterns are what would be manipulated to create structure, Frictal patterns would be manipulated to create dynamics. Fractals require hard edge boundaries, whereas frictals must not have boundaries at all - just continuous blending. Sound too could be employed in the version three model, allowing for a sensory resonance to be achieved with the authors emotional intent that ultimately provided a hard copy printout of the semantic relationships of the storyform.
Such a TBOS engine could also function as the central component of a music creation and painting/flat artwork creation software manipulating the patterns in the flow of Mental Relativity holographic dissonance.
My mind is filling up again and soon I'll have to let it slop all over the page.
October 22, 1993
Have you ever noticed how days seem to alternate sometimes: one being rotten, then next being great, and so on? Well, on Wednesday I had a really rotten day followed by a great one on Thursday. Now today is turning out terrible already, so I can only hope that Saturday is a peach.
Wednesday was filled with everything from computer problems to news that distant relative had died. There was a funny part, though, when I took Keith to his Sea Cadets meeting. I didn't have time to make his dinner, so I left early to stop by McDonalds with him. But when we got there, the line was so long we couldn't wait. So, he had to go off without dinner until after the meeting.
I promised to take him to his favorite fast food place, Jack in the Box, on the way back. So, we drive off to his meeting, and there's a car stalled way down the freeway, and it takes us twice as long as usual (40 minutes), and he has to go in 20 minutes late.
When I picked him up two hours later, I missed the freeway off ramp that goes right past Jack in the Box, so I had to take another off ramp on the other side of town. It took an extra 10 minutes of driving to get there. I ordered, but got the wrong drink for Keith. I didn't want to bother changing it, so I drove off, but there's all this shouting behind me. In my haste to get away from troubles, I had driven off without my change!!!
So, I parked, got out so I could let Keith get out to retrieve the change, but the clerk from the window was already coming out with it, so Keith had gotten out unnecessarily. I start the car and drive off, and the LARGE root beer Keith didn't want spills and dumps itself all over me and my car seat.
Well, after THAT, I just threw up my hands and hoped the next day would be better. As it turns out, it was....
On Thursday, the BBC came into Screenplay Systems to video a segment of a British television series, "Moving Pictures", about story creation software like ours. At first, Steve, the company president, was going to do the interview. As the producer and director were asking questions about the theory, however, I was bantering off concepts like they were butter in my mouth.
Suddenly, there's this huddle by the crew, and they come out and tell Steve they'd rather interview me! I had wanted to weasel into a screen appearance, but not at the expense of Steve, just in addition to him. But, Steve graciously agreed.
I did a 30 minute interview, and it felt like it was really working. Afterward, Steve came over and said that as he and Chris listened to my commentary, they looked at each other and said, "Holy Shit!" Apparently, I did a bang up job, because I got compliments all day around the office. The guys (Steve and Chris) bought me lunch at a fancy restaurant and said I do ALL the interviews from now on!
October 23, 1993
Chris has been acting weird lately. He has gotten rather mean, by his own admission. And it comes out as insensitivity. For example, when I came into work this morning, I brought in a "Little Golden Book of Poetry" that my mother bought for me the year I was born. She read to me those stories for years, starting well before I could talk. So, each one holds a special memory for me - some of my earliest emotional memories, all of them pleasant.
I wanted to share them with Chris and share how much they meant to me so I brought them in and told him all this. He leafed through and then stopped at a poem about a baby chick and read aloud, "There was a queer little chick, who saw a big fat worm...," and he said it to accentuate the words "queer" and "fat worm".
I had just told him how much of what I was today had been set in place by that book. Now, I might have laughed at that, and did try. In fact, I laughed it off and went back to my office. But by the time I got there, I was in tears. He had tainted a wonderful childhood memory I had with my mother.
I cried for several minutes, shared my hurt by email with Barbara who was elsewhere in the office, and then broke into tears when Chris stopped by to ask something.
I might have thought it was me over-reacting, but Chris said he was just being insensitive because he had decided recently he liked being that way, and that I should be on guard.
October 25, 1993
Andy and I were up until four in the morning last night, just talking about Mental Relativity and about our relationship. We both had honest hearts that night, and I think I understand him so much better than I ever have before. I really know what I need to do to keep our relationship positive, and he knows what he needs to do as well. But we both also know that we are still looking for that "perfect" person who is more like what we have dreamed of.
My relationship with Andy in now much like my relationship with Mary. We hare empathy and we're all looking for the other one to take charge. I want to be assertive in my career, but let the guy take the lead in our personal lives. But Andy prefers a woman who takes charge, and Mary wants the guy to take charge. So we all sit around doing nothing, waiting for the other one to do something first.
Well, this morning when I woke up, I decided to be assertive and initiate a little petting and cuddling. Andy was really surprised and very receptive. I discovered that I no longer necessarily associate assertiveness with masculinity. I was fully capable of being assertive and still being and feeling wholly feminine. I'd never been able to do that before. Well, it's only a stop gap measure until I find the right guy, or Mary does, or Andy finds the right woman. But in the meantime, both my relationships can be positive and worthwhile, even as we all look for what we REALLY want.
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