October 12, 1993
Last night I attended a gathering put on by Barbara's husband Glenn that explores
Native American philosophies. Interesting... I find myself torn between a concise
reporting of my discoveries and a full blown experiential sharing of the evening. Hmmm...
what to do.....
I had not been previously exposed to a great deal of Native American philosophy, so
most of what I heard was new. But new only in the story telling. The message behind it all
was very old, and old to me as well, as it illuminated portions of the same understandings
Mental Relativity fosters.
There were touch points in chaos, space and time, and the nature of the soul. This was
both disappointing and pleasing to me, as I understand so much so clearly these days with
Mental Relativity that, as Chris says, "The magic is gone." There are no more
mysteries for me. Yes there is much I do not know and much that surprises me. But there is
nothing that requires a major realignment of my perspectives and beliefs because they have
all become so fluid and mobile that they are constantly realigning themselves from moment
to moment and never stick in place.
The view thus created is so unjustified that it becomes responsive to only two things:
outside and inside force. There is no second-guessing, no re-consideration, and therefore
no wonder and no awe.
Perhaps this perspective is a temporary one, a rest stop on the road to a new
adventure. But for now, I felt somewhat cheated by the whole affair. Not by Glenn, who
shared a wealth of insight and lore, but by myself because I knew it already and could
learn nothing new there.
Western logic goes so far and hits a brick wall. Eastern and Essential People's
philosophies come in from the other side and are lost in a void. Between them stands an
abyss - a gulf, a chasm. It is a no-man's land. In fact, it is the heart of woman that
stands between the two. Mental Relativity bridges the gap, connecting the West and the
East, the refined and the essential in a seamless, continuous spectrum. With M R, one can
go from particle to wave, space to time without a bump in the middle.
Woman had this emotional knowledge before language. Language is the Great Curse.
Feelings cannot be phrased, but only approximated in a pale, unidimensional object called
a word. From the moment men developed language, the heart of Woman began to darken.
Woman today is blinded to her internal eye. She not only does not see from it, but has
forgotten it even exists within her. But as society moves from the externally oriented
frontier society in which male skills prosper to an internal information society halfway
between male and female, we all stand so close to the blind eye that we sense its darkness
and wish for light.
M R is the light. It is a tool cast in the male mold that points the way to Woman's
heart. Men can look into the heart, but they cannot feel it beat within their chests.
Brains are wired, Time or Space. First one, then the other - but which one first? If Time
is first, the emotions are clear. If Space is first, the world is. Woman is Time and Man
is Space, we see each other but cannot be each other.
Society is experiencing transition toward a sex change. Instead of material deals
between material people, the Information Superhighway, built upon the Internet
right-of-way becomes the biochemistry of society. The Body Politick now has flow. What
Mind will be created?
The next step in human evolution is not human. Male and Female combine in hardware and
software to progenate a new consciousness, a global consciousness in which we all are
thoughts or prayers as the Iroquois believe.
We lose nothing as individuals but gain a oneness with the world. The time is now to
step into Woman Heart and walk in the future.
Well, that's not what I started out to say. But it is what I said. By the way, the
meeting last night was in a twenty foot traditional tipi with a ritual fire in the center
of the circle. We listened, sang, made offerings to the fire and shared.
October 14, 1993
I've been in something of the doldrums for the last two weeks. I had no real sense of
motive direction and was merely drifting with the current. To be sure, many of the
activities I was engaged in I had instigated myself, but not recently. Rather, I was
simply responding to the routine I had laid in place for myself months ago. Even going to
new events and gathering new experiences was along the path I had previously set.
Yesterday was Andy's 40th birthday and I could feel something beginning to stir within
the lowest foundations of my mind; working its way up. These new dynamics came near to the
surface while we watched the movie I took Andy to for a present: The Joy Luck Club. It is
a thematic movie with a progressive emotional experience told by sequentially shifting
among the characters as Main Character from her own story, covering one of the thematic
movements.
Somehow this got things moving in me. I must have cried a dozen times during the movie,
and each time the tears came from a different place.
Afterward, we had dinner, just Andy and me. I could tell he was working his way up to
trying to be Karen again, and I was glad for him. He has never said this was on his mind
in so many words, but I can tell. And I told him so. And he acted like I had seen right
through him.
I am happy for him that his wounds have healed enough to try again. I don't think he
will ever be happy as a man. Like me, he might have been more than content but less than
happy if the right woman would stick with him. I could have been that woman. But I have
chosen not to leave my family, so he only gets me one night a week. His life is in my
hands. I must do what's right for me.
But what is right for me? The doldrums have held me windless and clueless in the Hoo
Doo Sea. Last night I felt near death. My exhaustion born of short nights and long days
reach critical. For a time I thought I would collapse as I stubbornly did my exercises
before bed: one can only accept help if one fails completely - so the justification goes.
And justification is the center of the storm. Chris and I have become so unjustified
that our conscious minds have taken control of our memories, our feelings, our responses.
I don't even jump when a balloon pops anymore. Every inequity sensed by any level of the
mind must come to my consciousness for approval before it is let inside. No Trojan Horses
here!
But this makes it all so calculated, so contrived. There is no danger but no triumph
either. Life had become bland, unchallenging. But what to do? There is no motivation
without justification, but where should I place mine?
After years of study I have reached a plateau of fluid mental considerations that balk
at givens and dismantle binary states for breakfast. I don't even have to think about it
anymore. What used to be a faulty mental system designed to grapple with inequities in the
environment has now redefined its infrastructure and spends all its time checking the dam
for cracks. Parts are lubed and replaced as necessary - whatever it takes to keep the
machine running smoothly. But the damn thing doesn't DO anything. It runs like clockwork
and it doesn't do ANYTHING!
So balance is reached, but that is no place to live. One becomes simply responsive,
finding the line of least resistance in an objective sense - life and death hold no
meaning as long as things are running efficiently.
What to do? I asked Chris and he told me that the three other parts of the mind need to
be left alone to do their job. The conscious should arbitrate only when none of the other
three can handle the matter. Other times, it must not control them, but receive from them.
Desires must filter up and be noted, not analyzed. One makes their mind fluid and loses
cause.
But how to avoid justifying in ways that create negative blind spots? How to tip the
balance without falling off? There is no meaning in life without holding onto something
internal to measure life against.
I had a sign on my wall, dead center, which read "No Givens!" I have just
crossed out the "No" and replaced it with "Some". The approach becomes
clear. I cannot measure in terms of both space and time - both logic and feeling. But I
also cannot neglect to measure them both. One must be the yardstick; the other: the yard.
I cannot speak for men. I cannot speak for women here. I can only speak for me. I will
trust my feelings. I will let my heart be my guide. I will not question my self. But I
will question my logic.
To keep from drifting too far I will pause once each week to evaluate the balance
between my feelings and my environment anew. I will make adjustments where necessary or
where I suspect greater happiness can be achieved. Then I will let my feelings free again
to range the week while my logic is monitored.
I imagine there are some who measure their feelings with their logic. I prefer to
measure with my feelings and keep my logic suspect.
October 18, 1993
I have the feeling this journal is about to change in tone. The disruptions in my
contentment of late have been largely resolved over the weekend. I have written of this in
my online letters elsewhere, so I will not repeat that chronicle here except to say I have
chosen. I decided I wanted to be a woman for the rest of my life. As I stood at the
balance point, I had finally undone not only all the justifications that Dave had once
employed, but also all the justifications that brought me through transition. At this
nodal point I could have chosen to go in any direction. But whatever direction I chose I
would be moving progressively away from that nodal point building up the resistance to the
potential to return.
That was what held me up for so long: as long as I stayed in the middle; as long as I
remained transsexual, I had not burned any bridges and had the option to be whoever and
whatever I wanted. But, in the middle you cannot be anyone nor anything. You are all
potential and no substance. If you move too far from the center you become all substance
and no potential. You cannot have both. A true dilemma. I"m sure there are ways to
look at this so it is not a dilemma. But having chosen, I cannot see them any longer. I
could have from the center, but not now.
So, to me, I needed to pick my future from all possible futures. And, ultimately, I
chose to be female, wholly and completely. Over the weekend, I settled in to this new
justification; this new direction. I like it here. I no longer consider leaving. I am
building my home here.
In terms of sharing Mental Relativity with others, this changes everything. I had
positioned myself as MR incarnate: a living version of the neutral engine. I could do
that, and very well. But I was not happy. Now, I am happy, but can no longer be neutral.
Therefore, I have asked Chris to join me in giving the MR classes I plan to begin in
January. Chris has similarly moved (though not completely) to the male side of the
equation, choosing his own future. In such positions, we balance, so although neither one
of us represents neutrality, we provide both perspectives. MR itself remains neutral in
the middle as the focus of us both.
So, look for a different slant on my writings from here on out. I went to the moon, but
I've come back. It was a nice place to visit but you can't live there.
************************
I'm not in between anything. Everything is on either side of me.
************************
The moment one of our ancestors picked up and used the first tool the ecology went to
hell in a handbasket and humankind began an inexorable pull toward chaos and oblivion as a
species.
Any stability can be seen most clearly as an ordered fractal dimension. Any instability
is intrinsically chaotic and best appreciation as a frictal transmension.
************************
A universal concept such as "boredom"... where does that fit in the Mental
Relativity model? What is its quad? Is "excitement" it's dependent partner? I
suppose "interest" is the dynamic partner. That would make "lethargy"
the companion pair.
This is a fascinating quad as the center point is not neutrality but a mid-range of
attention. Perhaps "attention" is the variation above these four elements.
************************
In a frontier society the drive to justify served to bolster resolve to adapt one's
environment to oneself - taming the frontier and forming it into a more compatible
environment to the human species. However, in a domestic society, the same drive to
justify serves to urge individuals into conformity, even against their basic dispositions.
We cannot separate the tendency to justify from our minds, as it is intrinsic to the
biology, however we can balance that tendency by installing a Mental Relativity operating
system over the existing architecture.
October 19, 1993
I got a letter this morning from one of the girls on my AOL support group. They just
signed on a couple of weeks ago. The sent me an email letter just a week ago saying they
had read all the back issues of The Subversive and had cried more than ever before in
their life. They also said that when they came to the part of my transition diary about my
looking through all the closets for my grandfathers loaded rifle so I could end it all, it
changed their life because at the time they read it, they had a loaded 9mm pistol on the
desk beside them and had decided to end it all.
The letter that came today detailed how they had found the courage to try to be who
they needed to be as a result of the people and support files on America Online. They
described how they finally got the courage to tell their mother. Instead of rejecting
them, mom embraced them, supporting them in every way. Mom even went out on her own and
bought her some new clothes. Now she is full of life again and ready to tackle the world
with the support of her mother.
Although I rejoice in turn around in her attitude, I know that life is full of ups and
downs and changes in direction. There is no way to tell if this effect of my postings and
writings will ultimately be a positive or negative one in her life. But all any of us can
do is to try our best to offer help without forcing it, to provide guidance without
guidelines, and to keep our intent pure so that we never act other than as we believe will
help those we share with. Our function as individuals in a society is to make help
available but never thrust it upon anyone. We should not force others to conform to our
standards of happiness or morality, even if that means watching as they take their own
lives. In the end, each organism in the society must act independently, influenced but not
controlled by the biochemistry of information flow and peer pressure. Otherwise, the mind
of the culture freezes its own chaotic free will, debilitates its thoughts, seizes up and
ceases to be.
************************
I'm beginning to work on version # 2 of the story theory & software today. Also on a program to assist
individuals in dealing with personal inequities that we are tentatively calling
"Alter Ego". Up to this point in my journal, I have kept much of my theory
development work out of the text, not seeing it as consistent with the purpose of this
forum. Although that was true at one time (especially during the transition phase of my
life) it no longer appears to be true at the moment. I've found that publishing my journal
month by month three years after it was written separates me from the people and events
just enough to both keep it fresh and not too intensely immediate. Most inequities and
open issues have resolved themselves by that time allowing for a more objective
appreciation of the events as an editor and less risk of offending others or violating
trusts.
I have to state here that one of my role models for this journal was Benjamin Franklin,
who I admired so much when I was 12 or 14. In those days I read his autobiography and was
astonished at the breadth of his concerns. Even as a child I found myself ranging from
astrophysics to nuclear physics to poetry, novels, filmmaking, music, art... I was
intrigued (and still am to this day) with all the mysteries within my perception. In
Franklin I found a kindred soul. (Although his personal life was, shall we say,
"shit"?) Nonetheless, Franklin, Edison, Jefferson, Da Vinci, Steve Allen, Paul
Winchell: these were my role models - Renaissance men all. I have determined to be the
Renaissance woman.
Even as a child I was possessed of an unbridled ego that told me I could be or do
whatever I wanted: all I had to do was try. I still believe that. I cannot see anything as
impossible - what with space and time and Mental Relativity on my side, its hard to
imagine that anything could not be.
I don't think this infinite ability is unique to me at all. Every creature that has
been self aware has infinite potential to be. A little DNA nip here, an experiential tuck
there and every conscious entity can reach the stars. I guess I'm just so egocentric that
I have no trouble believing that, but its true for everyone.
God, the universe is wide open - both externally and internally. There are so many new
things to see and do and be and create. What a spectacularly fine world we can live in.
The only drawback is the hatred we have for one another. I imagine that even if my limbs
were being torn off in some mechanical accident I could bear the pain if I knew that
others really cared. Its just that hard heart of the sick mind of our current culture that
redoubles the pain, adding isolation to the physical cuts. I suppose that is the center of
my motivation: to cure the world of its apathy toward one another. Easy, right?
It is clear that this feeling goes back to my childhood feelings of rejection. If I can
make the world love everyone, they can't leave me out either. As a child I HAD that open
unconditional love. Was I raised that way? Was it my basic disposition? I think both. I
believe in the disposition because I have gotten back to that now. Now that the
justifications of the past are washed away, the central me cares just as much as the child
me did. But I never would have known my own heart if not raised to find it.
So, all that on the record, I'll turn my considerations toward version 2 of
the story theory & software and Alter Ego.
************************
In the story theory & software version 2, one of my prime objectives is to make better use of the
temporal progression and dramatic circuit information that the story Engine produces.
Currently, every quad can be divided into acts of 1,2,3, and 4. Also each quad provides a
PRCP (for Potential, Resistance, Current, and Power). When items from several quads come
into conjunction these forces are staggered so that a resistance might meet another
resistance and interact. This creates a wide variety of interactions that increases in the
complexity of its fabric as more levels, both horizontal and vertical, are brought to bear
in our widening consideration. Eventually the logic of this multi-dimensional interference
pattern becomes so complex that it exceeds the capacity of the mind to contain it all at
one time. As a result, the only way to consider information of that magnitude is
emotionally.
This is the old particle/wave trick. At one end we have binary causal relationships, at
the other pooled tendencies. The value of Mental Relativity is that is smoothly
transitions from one to the other without a gap - something that has hitherto proven
impossible.
However, as a result of this ability, the engine can produce any number of
"synthesis waves" that represent the combination of various "tension
lines" in the story. Character relationships can be compared, or character to theme,
theme to plot, plot to character - whatever. The shape of the "synthesis waves"
could be initially implemented as a simple two dimensional line to illustrate the PRC or P
of the interaction. However, to fully represent the complexity of the emotional meaning
another dimension need be added. Perhaps the line could be thick enough to allow for
colors representing the PRCP of the interaction. With this method, the colors could
gradually blend from one to another while the line rose and fell.
The point is: at this level of appreciation, the less unified the presentation becomes,
the less meaning it has. More detail leads to less meaning. The meaning is purely
emotional and must give a "feel" for the ebb and flow of dramatic tensions
without any parts showing that could be considered independently or in a binary or
boundary fashion.
This implementation goes as far as the current engine can take it. Hopefully, version
three will incorporate a new engine built from the right minded appreciation of the
theoretical model. As such, rather than allowing full manipulation of the structure to
produce dynamics, it would provide complete manipulation of the dynamics to produce the
structure. In this TBOS (Temporal Brain Operating System) model, one would directly
manipulate the "flow" of colors much as one alters the variables and parameters
of non-linear iterative equations. Fractal patterns are what would be manipulated to
create structure, Frictal patterns would be manipulated to create dynamics. Fractals
require hard edge boundaries, whereas frictals must not have boundaries at all - just
continuous blending. Sound too could be employed in the version three model, allowing for
a sensory resonance to be achieved with the authors emotional intent that ultimately
provided a hard copy printout of the semantic relationships of the storyform.
Such a TBOS engine could also function as the central component of a music creation and
painting/flat artwork creation software manipulating the patterns in the flow of Mental
Relativity holographic dissonance.
************************
My mind is filling up again and soon I'll have to let it slop all over the page.
October 22, 1993
Have you ever noticed how days seem to alternate sometimes: one being rotten, then next
being great, and so on? Well, on Wednesday I had a really rotten day followed by a great
one on Thursday. Now today is turning out terrible already, so I can only hope that
Saturday is a peach.
Wednesday was filled with everything from computer problems to news that distant
relative had died. There was a funny part, though, when I took Keith to his Sea Cadets
meeting. I didn't have time to make his dinner, so I left early to stop by McDonalds with
him. But when we got there, the line was so long we couldn't wait. So, he had to go off
without dinner until after the meeting.
I promised to take him to his favorite fast food place, Jack in the Box, on the way
back. So, we drive off to his meeting, and there's a car stalled way down the freeway, and
it takes us twice as long as usual (40 minutes), and he has to go in 20 minutes late.
When I picked him up two hours later, I missed the freeway off ramp that goes right
past Jack in the Box, so I had to take another off ramp on the other side of town. It took
an extra 10 minutes of driving to get there. I ordered, but got the wrong drink for Keith.
I didn't want to bother changing it, so I drove off, but there's all this shouting behind
me. In my haste to get away from troubles, I had driven off without my change!!!
So, I parked, got out so I could let Keith get out to retrieve the change, but the
clerk from the window was already coming out with it, so Keith had gotten out
unnecessarily. I start the car and drive off, and the LARGE root beer Keith didn't want
spills and dumps itself all over me and my car seat.
Well, after THAT, I just threw up my hands and hoped the next day would be better. As
it turns out, it was....
On Thursday, the BBC came into Screenplay Systems to video a segment of a British
television series, "Moving Pictures", about story creation software like
ours. At first, Steve, the company president, was going to do the interview. As the
producer and director were asking questions about the theory, however, I was bantering off
concepts like they were butter in my mouth.
Suddenly, there's this huddle by the crew, and they come out and tell Steve they'd
rather interview me! I had wanted to weasel into a screen appearance, but not at the
expense of Steve, just in addition to him. But, Steve graciously agreed.
I did a 30 minute interview, and it felt like it was really working. Afterward, Steve
came over and said that as he and Chris listened to my commentary, they looked at each
other and said, "Holy Shit!" Apparently, I did a bang up job, because I got
compliments all day around the office. The guys (Steve and Chris) bought me lunch at a
fancy restaurant and said I do ALL the interviews from now on!
October 23, 1993
Chris has been acting weird lately. He has gotten rather mean, by his own admission.
And it comes out as insensitivity. For example, when I came into work this morning, I
brought in a "Little Golden Book of Poetry" that my mother bought for me the
year I was born. She read to me those stories for years, starting well before I could
talk. So, each one holds a special memory for me - some of my earliest emotional memories,
all of them pleasant.
I wanted to share them with Chris and share how much they meant to me so I brought them
in and told him all this. He leafed through and then stopped at a poem about a baby chick
and read aloud, "There was a queer little chick, who saw a big fat worm...," and
he said it to accentuate the words "queer" and "fat worm".
I had just told him how much of what I was today had been set in place by that book.
Now, I might have laughed at that, and did try. In fact, I laughed it off and went back to
my office. But by the time I got there, I was in tears. He had tainted a wonderful
childhood memory I had with my mother.
I cried for several minutes, shared my hurt by email with Barbara who was elsewhere in
the office, and then broke into tears when Chris stopped by to ask something.
I might have thought it was me over-reacting, but Chris said he was just being
insensitive because he had decided recently he liked being that way, and that I should be
on guard.
October 25, 1993
Andy and I were up until four in the morning last night, just talking about Mental
Relativity and about our relationship. We both had honest hearts that night, and I think I
understand him so much better than I ever have before. I really know what I need to do to
keep our relationship positive, and he knows what he needs to do as well. But we both also
know that we are still looking for that "perfect" person who is more like what
we have dreamed of.
My relationship with Andy in now much like my relationship with Mary. We hare empathy
and we're all looking for the other one to take charge. I want to be assertive in my
career, but let the guy take the lead in our personal lives. But Andy prefers a woman who
takes charge, and Mary wants the guy to take charge. So we all sit around doing nothing,
waiting for the other one to do something first.
Well, this morning when I woke up, I decided to be assertive and initiate a little
petting and cuddling. Andy was really surprised and very receptive. I discovered that I no
longer necessarily associate assertiveness with masculinity. I was fully capable of being
assertive and still being and feeling wholly feminine. I'd never been able to do that
before. Well, it's only a stop gap measure until I find the right guy, or Mary does, or
Andy finds the right woman. But in the meantime, both my relationships can be positive and
worthwhile, even as we all look for what we REALLY want.
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