From: Lassey Brianna Johnson
Comments
An interview...with myself! Well, I haven't been interviewed for a
while...this might be fun! Hm...like Hurt's character in "The Big
Chill" I will try to be objective and not badger the subject or
make her feel uncomfortable when interviewing her...
Transition to my family: 1st ingredient:
!st verse (!!!): Okay, is
that a trick question? Probably not. Most people who have ever known me
have all known that something was different...and more than a few of
them put their finger on it.
But I will say this...all of those years of all of that roleplacing
(Stress on the latter half-rolePlacing-a term of mine; meaning? This is
a bit like going through the food line at elementary school on your
first day of school...you eat what they give you whether you like it or
not...only in THIS representation it is NOT the same food that is shared
by everyone.
Roleplacing is actually the result of an entity-singular or
grouped-that hands out individual parts randomly scattered but grouped;
in the play of life regardless of talent, form, or desire. THIS is
roleplacing in its most chaotic and nonpersonal instance. Some people
may; through no fault of their own; get to play the part of a flower
even though they really feel like a wolf inside; or vice versa; and some
people just do lights and stage; some sell tickets, and some just take
up space.
"Each according to his own talents" are some of the best
words in the Bible, but in our modern society roleplacing takes the
place of this individualism in order to facilitate mass movement.
Roleplacing is a bit like force-feeding, but it is less directional; and
really looks for a quick completion of the job no matter what the end
result looks like.
Roleplacing is, by definition: The office of the masses held by a
class of individuals and is the direct opposite of what I personally
have always transcribed as being a part of: The office of the individual
held by the masses. It's certainly easier and more lazy to do
roleplacing other than real attention to the detail of our societal
superstructure, but then again you can get a lot more profit by cutting
corners in a project until the whole bloody thing falls down...I.E.
Roleplacing is in a nutshell::Shoddy Work.
It is the cancer of all megasocieties. It shall be our downfall.
B-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a...) I felt like I had earned it. To put is
simply: I told them why, I told them how, I told them when, I told them
I wasn't going to accept a life not my own anymore no matter what anyone
thought.
They said to me that I was never the one to just be the
"norm" anyway so this didn't surprise them. I told them that
in a nutshell this whole thing is actually me finally becoming the
"norm"...if the norm in society is a person "not
broken". I don't think anyone is actually "whole"
completely, but there is a big difference between a few little bugs and
differences and a total malfunction in the whole assembly process!
In other words, I didn't give them a choice. I told them individually
that I loved them and needed them to understand but that as much as they
meant to me; the FIRST thing they were going to have to accept was that
I knew what I was talking about and they didn't.
This is MY life for a change and that means it's time for THEM to
shut up and listen for a while. This was not negotiable. I had already
worked out the emotional needs and feelings meaning to create the
motivation for this process a long time ago; I had been doing it my
whole life.
I said that I would be there; explain; love; and try to make it as
easy as possible for them. But the first words out of my mouth to each
one of them was #1. This makes sense, it's not crazy; in fact I've never
been more sure of anything in my life. #2. In order to stop me, you
would have to stop the rain from falling or the sun from shining. #3. I
love you; all of you; and I need you. But if you are not with me, then
don't lie to me and say you are when you are not; because I WILL find
out the truth about what you really feel because that's what I DO.
My wife. Hm. Well, she is now my good friend but she wants a divorce.
That's better than it was before. She wanted to stay married to Hell on
Earth. It hurts. I still want her. She's not Les. End of story.
It will take years and years to actually sever the ties but letting
go is the first part of being there..it has to start somewhere for
something else to begin and grow. For her; this is absolutely necessary.
She MUST have what she needs out of life. I have spent MY life making
sure she does. Only now, she is going to have to do more of that
herself.
Ladies, this point cannot be stressed enough. I spent the last 12
years investing my time, energies, encouragements, and passions to help
her to reach a place where she could do exactly that. In this, I am
proud. If YOU have not, then you have not paid this price, then you
cannot ride this particular ride: meaning the guilt-free and ADULT
transition from husband and wife to loving friends who share children.
I would rather stay wife and wife but she will not. If I tried to
force her now, it would be trying to undo 12 years of NOT treating her
like most men treat their wives: like property. I would rather eat rusty
nails with a side of duckpond water.
Of course I understand that you may have no choice and this may be
your time...for your family to have to deal with this. If you have not
done the long years of preparation that this sort of thing requires,
then it still may have to be done by you now, but it will definitely
hurt more. (It's kind of like electrolysis...if I had been doing it all
this time, it wouldn't be so bad now.)
I hope for your sakes that you have been laying your path and making
your nests. If you love who you are then make way for you to come to
where you have to be. I will say this also: NO ONE ELSE IS GOING TO DO
IT FOR YOU. No one. Nothing is ever easy. There are no shortcuts.
Now, as to HER family...they pretty much don't want anything to do
with me. They were included in this all; and were given the same talks
and honour due to them; but though they aren't NASTY about it they are
definitely treating me like a stranger they don't know. It hurts, but
there are worse things.
Now, as to MY family...I think that if you want to know how that goes
then go rent the third Star Wars movie. When the Emperor got thrown down
into the reactor by Darth, it was #1. Necessary (both for good and peace
and life and all that stuff to prevail and also so the movie could end
and George could go back to doing other things for a change...heehee)
#2. Look at the way the wind blew; (And the s**t flew; as the old saying
would have it.) first outgoing as a blast, then as a vacuum back
collapsing onto itself...and after a while...back to normal. #3. There
was one big difference though, from BEFORE the Emp was gone and AFTER he
was gone: and that was...are you ready for this? HE WAS GONE!
If you liked all that, then try this one for size (But wait, there's
more!)... HAPPINESS IS THE ABSENCE OF PAIN...self-explanatory. Look,
people...your family is blood related. They may not talk to you anymore
for a while, but they are blood. That counts. Period. They will always
be that and nothing can change it. As for the family that is NOT blood
related...well, that's a bit tougher and I am finding more and more that
I guess that is just one of the terribly painful but LIVEABLE prices I
am having to pay. Don't lose priorities.
Sometime I'll tell you all the story about my grandmother on my
mother's side...and what her life was like and why all of her children
had problems with her and all...and how the horrid things she did (and I
mean horrid...worse than most people's worse nightmares) still did not
stop her children from coming to her side at the last and to her
funeral, and being honoured and truthful and each speaking his/her own
turn at the proper time about his/her feelings and relationships and
FORGIVENESS for her. Think about that!
This woman fairly did unthinkable things with these people and they
could still do this! We are doing NOTHING of the sort! How much better
should we expect our treatment to be! In fact, we are causing love, not
killing it. If we aren't treated as such then we have to turn our heads
for a change and just let it go. I am having to do it, too, ladies. It
hurts. But it's either that or you can let the cancer of everyone else
make you a dead person. Not an option.
As for the job...I am lucky. I work in a very large company and I
have a responsible position. But that is not enough...if I had asked
permission the answer would have been no. Large companies LIKE saying
no...this is because the small minds in little corners like to pretend
they have power they do not have.
I just did it, that's all. I wrote letters I handed out to the
propers the same day I showed up dressed the first day. That is all.
I'll get prettier. People will forget about it. It's the way of things.
I use the ladies restroom here because I AM a lady, and have always
acted like one.
We have told our children the same thing. If you want to be treated
like a grown-up, then act like one. The same goes for what being female
means to me. You'll have to forgive me for being an old Southern girl
but you'd have to hurt me bad to make me think otherwise. The girls are
so far (I was a little surprised by this) very sweet and accepting, but
it is THEY (my lifelong refuges and salvation! I have run to them
forever! Not necessarily THESE women but women in general...my club..oh
well they'll just have to get used to it.) still very curious and lots
and lots of questions. I have found that it is THEY who, though nice and
all, need the questions answered.
The men; whom up until now have always been PIGS to me) are actually
being nicer to me now than they ever have...(and this is so new to me at
work...wow...if this gets better I think I'll like it, you betcha!!) But
I have my eyes open...treachery knows no honour, for it it did it
wouldn't be treachery...I know someone is going to throw that first
rock...someday it's inevitable but at least by watching for it I'll
either be able to #1. Catch it #2. Break it into a million pieces in mid
air with a nice swing of a Reality Bat or #3. Dodge and let it hit the
wall behind me and do whatever rocks to walls.
That is all, ladies, for now. I feel stronger all the time. There
will be good days and bad days; I know the bad days will come at work
sometime. The bad days have already come everywhere else in my
life...but then again the good days are starting to show up now, too.
Whatever! (I NEVER used to say "whatever")
I'll bet you are all now... Sorry You Asked!!!
I love you all Lassey
P.S. I have to say this last...I know it's a barb but I have to. I've
been waiting all my life to say it...For many of us ladies we have had
to fight so hard for so long all by ourselves that we have cried a
thousand hours over people's insensitivity and stupidity. That was then.
For me: now? No...not anymore. For myself, personally? I'm glad. They
really don't want me to make a REALLY big deal out of all this anyway
and that's good because I really don't feel like it. I just want to move
on with the rest of my life. Even my therapist (I'm his first TS) and I
are starting to understand each other. I don't know. Maybe by the time
I'm through with him, the NEXT girl he gets ; who may be not be as
strong as I am; will be glad for it.
I don't mind it so much anymore... always being the one who held the
torch...alone. Because of ladies like you, someone held it for me once.
And we all hold our lights forth... And it gets brighter. Here's to the
light...
Shalom, Lassey
