Hi Melanie.
I'm sorry to trouble you, but it's possible
you could help me a lot, if it's not too much of an imposition. I've
been reading all your stuff on the web and finding it really useful,
particularly the account of your experiences and all the useful
links your pages give.
I'm due to have surgery in the middle of
September but I'm just not sure I'm ready.I need more time to do
research, and the deadline is getting closer and closer. I'm
terrified for example, that I may not have chosen the best surgeon.
Over here (the UK) it seems to be in the nature of surgeons that
they regard you as lucky to have found them and that you should damn
well be grateful. As a result I have only the sketchiest knowledge
of his techniques (a V-plasty) but I have no idea as to how it
compares with other methods available around the world. I wonder if
you know of a comprehensible but detailed description of all the
various techniques which are available? If you can point me to such
a source I would be really grateful.
I really want as good a result as I can and I
can't seem to get the answers to my questions: Does a V-plasty give
natural looking labia, positioning, clitoris etc? I just don't know.
And how about the others? Does bilateral W-plasty give a better
result? How about a Z-plasty? How about functionality? Will my
vagina be deep enough? Will hair in the vagina be a problem?
Also, because I never had children it bothers
me that I will be sterile. I've been trying to find an organization
which will store sperm (so that if I ever have a relationship with a
woman (I'm bi), we would still have the chance of children. The
trouble is that there seems to be very little over here.
Do people discuss all this sort of stuff
anywhere? I've only got a few weeks left and if I don't get some
advice soon, it'll be too late.
I've lived the way I live now (job, friends
house etc) for 17 years, so I'm well integrated.What stopped me was
that the only man I ever really loved, the one who was going to
stand by me through all the difficult times left me for my best
friend. I haven't been able to go either back or forwards since
then.
If there is anything you can do to help me I
would be very, very grateful. I'm not part of a community and I just
don't know where to turn.
Very best wishes,
Cathy
Melanie
Replies...
Hi, Cathy. Wow, it seems like you have so
little time to find so much information. First, before I offer what
I can give you, I suggest you sign up with America Online. From
there use keyword GENDER. This will take you to the Transgender
Community Forum. The TCF is a group I founded in 1991, but retired
from in 1994. It has now grown into the premiere electronic
information and support sight for the gender community. You will be
able to post your questions and concerns and have them read by
hundreds of other folk such as yourself, some of whom will be able
to answer all your questions. Also, the TCF has a web site now
(though I don't have the URL) but you can easily find all the
information you need on the web by doing a simple search for either
transsexual, transgender, or sex change. I've done such a search and
it turns up scores of web sites, jam packed with all kinds of
information for the community.
What I can offer is this: I went to Dr. Biber.
He (and Dr. Schrang) are the two best-known
"local" surgeons at the moment. They both use the same
technique. It is a two-stage procedure. First is the actual internal
surgery, then later a "labiaplasty" which improves the
cosmetic look. I don't know much about the "v" plasty,
"w" plasty, or "z" plasty, but it is my
understanding that the original procedure is a "v" plasty
(because of the shape of the incision). The labiaplasty I know for a
fact is a "w" plasty. "z" plasties (I thought)
were only used for other kinds of procedures.
The technique is as follows... An incision is
made down the length of one side of the penis. The skin is peeled
back so that it is only connected at the base. Most of the internal
penile tissue is removed. A small portion of erectile tissue is
left. A small slit is cut near the base of the penis. the erectile
tissue is pulled through the slit so that it forms a clitoris. Then,
the skin that was peeled but is still connected at the base is
turned inside out and stitched up so that it forms a closed tube
with what used to be the outside skin of the penis now on the inside
of the tube. The tissue inside the abdomen is pulled away and the
tube is inserted inside and temporarily anchored in place with a
small wire that goes from the outside of the abdomen into the
abdomen, around the pelvic bone, and back out again. This is removed
by simply cutting the loop of wire and quickly pulling it through
(painless but weird) about a week after surgery.
General anesthetic causes the bowels to stop
as a side effect. It sometimes takes 3 to 4 days for them to begin
again. Often an industrial strength enema is required. You will be
on a catheter for urine for the first week. It may be hard to
urinate after it is removed. Even after you are released, it may
take another couple of weeks to even approach normal, non-painful
urination. At first, the pain is significant, by the time you leave
the hospital it should be less. After a week or so from being home,
it is only a soreness, and continues to improve until things should
be back to normal in a few weeks.
If done right, and if you have remained
sexually active through self-stimulation, you brain will remember
what orgasm feels like and you will likely be able to achieve that
after surgery. If you have not been sexually active, do you darndest
to get things going now, and keep on going as many times a day as
you can right up to the morning before surgery. This will give you
the best chance of maintaining pleasure after. It may be two to four
weeks after surgery before you start to feel sexual sensation again.
Keep trying.
The whole area of the pubic triangle (just
about the hair line) will likely be numb forever. The nerves to the
skin in that area must be severed during the process, and only a few
cases have enough regeneration to recover skin touch sensitivity
there. The nerves UNDER the skin pick up some of the slack after a
while, so it doesn't feel quite as numb as right after surgery.
You will be VERY tired. For the first few
days, you won't even have the energy to turn over. But once you are
first out of bed after a week, you will gain your energy back
quickly - over the next two to three days.
You ask about hair inside... oooh, grody! Yes,
some people get that. If there is hair on the outside, you'll likely
have hair on the inside. The only cure is electrolysis there ahead
of time, and you know how painful THAT can be! New techniques for
hair removal using red lasers might be better there.
Saving sperm for later? Sure, of course you
can. That is independent of the surgery. Just contact a sperm bank
and make arrangements to store some. If you can't find one directly,
start contacting hospitals, and again, surf the web. A simple search
should turn up a page on the subject which will likely lead you to a
local provider of this service in your area.
Now, as a parting thought, what it comes down
to is what will make you happy. I can't relate to not being sure.
Although I had no idea if this was the best thing for me, I made a
commitment to myself to see it through. I determined that the one
thing I regret on my deathbed was never finding out what it felt
like to be female. To me, the rest of my life didn't matter. It was
just that moment of waking up from surgery and knowing what it felt
like. That one moment was worth the rest of my life. My only fear
was that I wouldn't wake up. Sure, that kind of tragedy hardly EVER
happens, but you can't help worrying. But to not do it? How could I
not and find any meaning in life from then on?
Now that it is all over, I honestly can't say
whether it was best for me or not. I can clearly see the pros and
cons from here much better than on the other side. Nowadays I
sometimes wonder what it would have been like bringing up my kids as
Dad instead of "Mel". I wonder what it will be like NOT to
be the one who takes my daughter down the aisle when she is married.
But then again, I could always have the breast implants removed, cut
my hair and go back to the old lifestyle. After all, how many people
look in your pants on the average day?
The real key to the whole thing is that I
don't miss the old equipment. What is between your legs and the
lifestyle you choose to lead are two completely different things.
For me, the physical stuff was always unimportant. It hardly makes a
difference to me if I have male or female equipment, other than to
have found out what the female equipment feels like. The rest is all
about being myself, and from your letter, you've already been doing
that for 17 years!
So, maybe for you the equipment is important.
It is perfectly normal for ANYONE to want to live in a feminine
role, yet be male underneath it. Try to separate the two aspects in
your mind. Imagine how you would feel about the surgery if you were
required to live as a man even after becoming physically female. I
met someone once who chose to do just that. I'd even considered it
myself.
Now, imagine how you would feel if you lived
in the feminine role for the rest of your life, but being physically
male underneath it.
Then try the other two combinations on for
size: Being in a masculine role and physically male, and being in a
feminine role and physically female.
You will probably find each one feels quite
different, and at least one is very unpleasant.
Before I had surgery, being masculine and male
was the worst! (Mainly because I hadn't experienced any of the
others) Best was feminine and female. Masculine and female was
easily number three, and feminine and male was the worst. So, for
the two years before surgery, I lived the worst of the the four (for
me) as the price I had to pay to get a shot at my choice of the best
and second best. And, I was driven forward by the hatred of the
worst (masculine/male).
Now that surgery is five years behind me,
masculine/male is a LOT more attractive than it used to be. I kinda
miss it. But not enough to give up what I've got - I'd just like to
visit there again from time to time. These days, the worst is still
feminine/male. The other three are about equal, barring any
practical considerations.
In the end, what did I get out of it? Just
want I wanted - to know what it felt like. Other than that, I don't
think it has had many benefits. Mostly, it has led to frustrations,
disappointments, and difficulties. But is was still worth it.
I have a friend who had agonizing pain in his
legs. For years, the doctors tried everything, and it only got
worse. The only solution was living with it or amputation of both
legs. He had the surgery. Now he has all kinds of problems - money,
mobility, other medical difficulties, and on and on. Sure, the price
is high, and the problems are a constant source of misery. But at
least he doesn't have the pain in his legs anymore. In fact, some
years after the amputation, he went through the gender program,
obtained sex reassignment surgery, and is now living as Denise. That
pain is gone too.
That, I think, is the real thing that drives
any of us to this. We start out by wanting it because we think it
will make us happy. But we end up actually doing it to stop the
pain. Then, once it is over, we find out it didn't make us any
happier, but at least the pain is gone. The question then arises:
"What now?" I'm still trying to answer THAT one.!
Hope this helps, best of luck, look before you
leap, and don't go any faster than your heart pulls you.
Melanie
