Well, there are two parts to what you
suggest... First, is living full-time for a year a worthwhile venture,
and second, would it be better to disappear and then reappear as the
new person.
I'll answer the second question first.
Although it might be better in a visual sense to disappear and
reappear, it would also mean that one will not have developed the
social skills and unconscious natural mannerisms which define the new
role.
What one looks like is only part of the
issue. I've met some pretty U-G-L-Y women in my time! But I seldom
meet one who acts like a man.
It is important to note that there is
nothing to prevent one from having electrolysis, a nose job, and other
facial surgery BEFORE sex reassignment surgery. If a person was truly
worried that his face would not pass as a woman for the Real Life Test
of one year in full-time, then why would he imagine it would pass
after GENITAL surgery? The two are not connected at all.
Jumping to the first question,
Full-Time is designed to let one experience the REALITY of the new
role, blemishes, warts and all. So many on the gender path have
developed this fantasy world in which they come to believe that if
they just get the genital surgery, everything else will be all right.
But Sex Reassignment Surgery doesn't
solve anything in the practical world, and it doesn't change anything
in the emotional world. After all the smoke clears, you are still you.
If you haven't developed the skills or don't look good in the new
role, well the only thing you will have done is screwed up your life
royal! The best you could hope for then would be to go back to the old
role, even though you've had the surgery, and just not let anybody
peek in your jock strap.
The point is, surgery is just a little
snip. The ROLE is the rest of your life! The only way to find out if
you are going to like that life is to live it for a while, and we are
darned lucky that an established path exists to do just that.
If we are concerned with our looks,
then we ought to have plastic surgery OTHER than the SRS to see if we
can come to look the part. How well others accept us will ultimately
be the determining factor as to how much we enjoy our lives, no matter
how much we accept ourselves.
Why wouldn't someone want to make
themselves more feminine by facial surgery and a year of hormone use
before surgery, if they really want to live the role? In fact, those
things would be wonderful improvements, for someone who truly wants to
live as a woman.
The truth is, however, that many who
believe they want to LIVE as women, really just want to BE women, and
don't recognize the difference. BEING a woman means having the thrill
of walking out on the street, knowing you are attractive, perhaps
being turned on by your own body and sexuality. But, BECOMING a woman
means adopting a lifestyle cast by society for those of the female
sex.
Yes, any individual can fight against
the confines of a societal role, but if one really wants to live in
that role instead of the one currently available, then the issue is
about fitting in, not fighting for change.
An important thing to remember is that
there are four aspects to one's sexuality:
1. Anatomical Sex
2. Gender Identity
3. Sexual Preference
4. Mental Sex
Anatomical sex is, simply, the physical
sexuality of being male or female.
Gender Identity is where you fall on
the Masculine/Feminine scale, and is not really tied to anatomical sex
at all. We often encounter masculine women and feminine men.
Sexual Preference is who you like to go
to bed with: same sex, opposite sex, both, neither (self). Again, this
has nothing to do with anatomical sex or gender identity. Any
combination goes.
Mental sex is determined before birth.
It is a bias to see things more spatially (linear) or more temporally
(holistic). Spatial people look first to reason and then to emotion.
Temporal people look first to emotion and then to reason. We all have
both, but which one gets preference determines mental sex.
Statistically, men are much farther
along the scale toward the spatial, and women to the temporal. But
this just describes the foundation of our personalities, a bias toward
one or the other set before birth.
The bulk of who we are comes from our
experiences, and though we never lose our pre-birth bias, we can more
than compensate for it. As as result, you get very linear,
reason-oriented women, and very holistic emotion-oriented men. But the
women will never be quite as linear as a linear man, because of the
bias. And the men will never be quite as holistic as a holistic woman,
because of the bias.
So, there are four primary areas which
touch upon changing one's sex. Any person who starts along that path
will encounter all of them, though which one's are most important will
vary from person to person.
For example, the term "Gender
Dysphoria" refers to people who are unhappy with their role
because it does not support or reflect their gender identity. But
people suffering from GENITAL Dysphoria are unhappy with their bodies,
their anatomical sex, even though they might be quite happy with their
gender identity.
I personally know of one individual who
had surgery from male to female, but afterward continued to live as a
man. Why? Because "he" had Genital Dysphoria, but not Gender
Dysphoria. This person wanted the body changed, but loved the old
role. And so, that is how they live. In fact, for this person, the
requirement of living full-time for a year was really tough!
To draw this to a conclusion, I think
it is important for each individual to come to understand where he or
she REALLY wants to be in all four categories, before doing anything
as permanent as surgery.
One should ask oneself, "Which
physical form do I really want to have for the rest of my life? Where
do I really fall on the Masculine/Feminine scale? Who do I want to go
to be with? Am I convinced that underneath all my training and
experience, I really think more like the other sex?"
Although it may be painful, the year of
full-time living gives one the opportunity to examine all of these
issues and come to a greater surety of mind. What a tragedy it would
be for someone to skip this period of self-examination and make a
permanent choice that later turned out to be the wrong one.
In my opinion, anyone who tries to
avoid that step is afraid of what he or she will find. They are
worried that they will be forced to acknowledge that the course is not
really right for them. But the joy of the fantasy, the hope that
surgery holds a "way out", the thrill of the eroticism is so
strong, that rather than do what is necessary to ensure the RIGHT
choice, some of these people try to side-step that period of discovery
because they really don't want to know. They think that if they get
the surgery, even if it turns out to be the wrong thing, they will at
least have lived the fantasy. But the sad truth is, if it IS the wrong
thing, there is no fantasy, only a lifelong nightmare.
If ever the phrases, "look before
you leap", and "try before you buy", should be taken
under advisement, this be the place!
Melanie
