First, it is important to know that these
feelings will never go away. Sometimes they may appear to disappear
for a while, and other times they may seem all consuming. They
travel in waves. So don't ever think that however you feel at the
moment is some sort of final position or that it holds any universal
meaning. You just have to learn to ride the waves.
When you start out in the direction toward
changing your sex, you take it step at a time and never realize how
far you came until years after surgery. Along the way you
alternately feel feminine and masculine. But one day, you wake
up and actually realize there are things you genuinely miss about
the old life and the old body. Hopefully, you find that overall, you
are happier now than you were then because you like the new
situation (considering both pros and cons) better than the old
situation. But quite honestly, there will be things you'll miss,
things you'll second-guess and wonder about. And even this will
change from day to day as you ride the waves. There may be days of
total regret followed by days of absolute elation.
For me, it is five years since surgery and
there is no indication that this fluctuation of feelings is ever
going to stop. When I occasionally get depressed I have to
keep reminding myself that the depression is not a direction I'm
headed but just a trough, and to have faith there will soon be
another peak. In truth, I think most transgendered people are a bit
bipolar (manic/depressive) by nature. Comes with the territory, I
suspect, as we alternate between what our training and our nature
are arguing about.
Living in a whole new role is a massive
undertaking. It is one thing to like yourself in front of a mirror
or venture out for a quick trip somewhere. It is quite another to
wake up with tangled hair, to look like a middle-aged guy because
you didn't get enough sleep - so you have to pile on the make-up and
feel like one of those wrinkly-faced, over-the-hill, old maids with
the thinning hair and bright red lips. Hey, its not a pretty
picture, but it's what I see in the mirror about half the time. (Of
course, we're all overly self-critical, but still, that's the way it
often feels!)
The real issue is that sex-change only solves
one problem out of the scores of problems the average person carries
around. Yet it takes 100 percent of one's emotional and physical
resources to solve it. Why any of us go through that is way beyond
me. And yet we do. All other problems fade into the background, and
this becomes the one and all of life itself. We probably can't help
that. It's probably built in to whatever makes us the way we are in
the first place.
Some of us will follow a path to make the
change. Others will find ways to live with it, perhaps expressing
that side of the psyche in other ways that are not as permanent and
devastating to an "ordinary" existence. The key is to take
time, keep faith that better times are ahead, gather information,
experiment - but all in a calm, well-considered grand journey of
discovery. Don't burn any bridges. Don't take unnecessary chances
just because of the thrill. Adrenaline is not an essential part of
the gender experience, yet it can sometimes become the goal itself.
Separate the rush from the consideration of your future. Enjoy each
for its own merits.
Go slowly. One more year one way or another
will really not have any appreciable difference on your ability to
enjoy a new life, should that be the road you decide to hike. Find a
good therapist. Find a good support group. Gather all the
information you can. Find a means of expressing your yearnings in a
way that is non-destructive to your current life.
Often we feel that we are more motivated to
charge forward than we really are, simply because the pressure has
built up for so long it drives us harder. Have you ever turned on
the faucet to a hose but left the nozzle closed? Pressure builds up
to the point you think the hose will burst. When you finally open
the nozzle, it shoots out all over the place like a bat out of hell.
But when that penned-up pressure is spent, the normal pressure may
provide only a moderate flow. After years of emotional repression,
we jump out of the gate like a shot, and sometimes let the momentum
carry us a lot farther and a lot faster than we ought to go. Take
your time, measure out your drive until the drive is spent and only
the real motivation remains.
Then, and only then, will you really know the
range in which your personal interests truly lie. And that is the
only time at which life decisions can be made with any degree of
predictable emotional success.
Best of luck, and keep on riding the waves.
Melanie
