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Transsexual Ghosts

Transcription of thoughts about Mental Relativity I recorded while I was developing the theory.

7/2/94

O.K. it's Saturday, July 2nd and I just woke up. Again, as usual, some kind of morning inspiration on the theory. This one has a little bit of personal stuff in it, and I almost hesitate to include it, but since it's part of the gestalt as to how this was arrived at and also gives a sense of direction as to how to proceed with it, I need to catch this theoretical concept in a little bit of immediate personal history. The first thing is I've been having a lot of trouble in the last few months, trying to feel feminine as to feeling masculine. I had that for a while, when I was first starting out on my journey of transition, and I'm continuing to have that trouble up till this point, but I solved it. The way I solved it is essentially a key to the difference between left-minded and right minded views of the world, and that's going to have an impact on the terminology we use in creating additional semantic templates for the structure of Dramatica, as well as in Alter Ego, in problem solving. Here's what it turned out to be... I couldn't seem to find my solution looking at Dramatica that I needed. And as we've talked about recently, at Screenplay Systems, it's the notion that right minded are looking at the glue that holds things together, not for the series of steps needed to arrive at a conclusion. As a result, I was frustrated because I could not find anywhere in our structure, the terminology, the semantics that seemed to have the feel to me that would describe the glue that would pull everything together.

Now, I narrowed the concepts down with Chris the other day that my personal problems had shifted. We had two stories between us we were working out. He had one story he had to resolve, but then he had another story to resolve in addition to that. His first story was one in which I was the obstacle character, and his second story was one that has some other obstacle. I haven't identified it, I don't think he has yet either. As for me, he was the obstacle in the story that we shared together, just as I was his obstacle. But, then I had a second obstacle character in the second story, and this of course turned out to be Mary, my S.O. for all these years. She was my obstacle. Now, in that arrangement, Chris and I resolved the issues that had driven us to create Dramatica and mental relativity, by the dynamic relationship between us, as a dynamic pair, made an obstacle. And when we resolved that we became a companion pair. That was the way it resolved. Now, this bit of information is very useful here. When you have a dynamic pair relationship between main and obstacle, remember they are the three kinds of relationships that we can have that are indicated in build characters window. The other two being companion and dependent. And the dependent relationship is one in which essentially you bind together and say that I'm counting on you, I'm not complete without you. Or that everything I do, you are the counterpart to that.

Chris and I have moved into the other relationship which is companion, which simply says that the two of us are along parallel courses, where the two of us are working towards the same purpose, but not really assisting each other, or we are working essentially towards the same purpose. But, in other words we are working in a process that is non-conflictual. But, at the same time, we either don't have any positive or negative impact on each other, or we would have a negative companion relationship would be that we are working with processes either of which would be appropriate to do the job, but together it diminishes; it's less than the sum of it's parts. (There's a better definition of companion. I've been looking for one, and it just occurred to me). The companion relationship that is on the negative side, is where either effort in and of itself would do the job, but each hinders the other, so that they diminish the effort by working together. And the other positive side is that they enhance each other by working together, which is where Chris and I have ended up.

So, when you have a main / obstacle relationship and it's resolved, the characters will swing into a new relationship; either companion or dependent. And it could be positive or it could be negative, as a result of resolving difficulties between them. So, this is the after story, this is where we conclude what new direction has been set between these characters as a result of their resolving the story between them. This information should be included in our theoretical material and also available in the program. When we get on to Alter Ego, that will be good to use in terms of interpersonal relationships, because we have in our personal lives, many, many micro-stories, much as you have mini black holes, you have mini-stories. And each one needs to be resolved independently, because you cannot resolve them all together with any kind of plan, because that's where chaos lives. Again, right minded will resolve the mini-stories holistically, left-minded will resolve the mini-stories linearly. However, neither of us, has the capacity to resolve all of the mini-stories together from any kind of enlightenment, it's beyond the level of our enlightenment, and therefore we have to tackle them one by one, as we proceed with the process of life, and hope that we can pull it together.

Now, ultimately the engine that we create for Alter Ego, may be able to track multiple stories at once, and if you can put the information in, keeping in mind that you have the limitation of accuracy due to putting in one and then another, and then another, and by the time you've put in the last one, it has changed and altered your thinking which has effected the nature and even existence of the other mini-stories that you've entered. But, assuming that these have been problems that have been with you for a while and you seem to have locked into a pattern you can't get out of. If you take those ruts as they were, and you put them all together into the Alter Ego program, then not much is likely to change on those particular...(tape cut off here).

In other words, those focal points that are created, some of them seem to last forever, like the red spot on Jupiter, and others seem to come and go like sun spots. They have different links of existence, different periods of stability, different half-lives. And if we take those that have the longest half lives, those are going to be the ones that we find the most recurring problems in our life. Anything else we seem to be able to allow to go it's way and resolve itself in time, but it's those constantly recurring dreams of reality that our points of view, our perspectives, that we need to address, and Alter Ego ultimately can help with that, which is an area beyond anything any of us can do as individuals. It can pull several mini-stories or micro stories together.

O.K., now moving back to the concept of point of view on the semantics, appreciation of the semantics for left and right minded. As I said, my problem was trying to figure out how to make myself feel feminine, and why I didn't feel feminine, sometimes I did. I went through great stretches when I felt absolutely great for a year, during this period of either partially during transition, and also partially after surgery. I would have these long periods of feeling just like I wanted to. And the first time I ever experienced that was when I was getting my initial electrolysis over at Andy's place. He was an electrologist. And one day after being there for several sessions, I was laying there on the table having the electrolysis done, and suddenly something happened to me where my entire world view shifted and it was like a different person was living inside me. It was like that pulled the pieces of myself together -- something pulled the pieces of myself together in a different configuration than it had ever been. I felt like I had a different heart. That was the first time I knew who Melanie was. It was again, like flipping a binary switch at that magic moment. Up until that point, I had been pulled in this direction, and my focus was on making this transition. But, internally there was a binary switch. So, note here, one thing on terms of the semantics, that you have one dynamic pair or companion pair -- I don't know how we will set it up, but , one pair ...well, let me backtrack... we'll probably have to set it up in the same K - based system initially, so it would be dynamic pairs, because everything is geared towards the left-minded perspective, and since women are trained in that anyways since birth, jumping all the way to a right minded perspective, would be too much of a leap, so let's first go to a left-minded look at right minded and make dynamic pairs of semantics in the new semantic template.

O.K., so at that moment you'll notice that there was one pair that referred basically towards the external things. This is what I want to be externally, this is how I want to be perceived, therefore I'm moving in the direction of making these changes to myself and my environment. As a result of it, an internal binary switch was thrown, and it changed the way I felt about myself. Now, that's an important distinction -- internal / external, as opposed to space / time. You'll note that's the reason that we have internal and external views associated with male/female mental sex versus space/time which is timelock / optionlock. That's what goes together with left and right minded. So, if I am having my binary switch flipped inside when I'm doing something outside, or flipped outside when I do something inside, that's when you see the double helix created where you have the ladder that goes up with all the rungs that are connected. You're seeing that because it's flipping from one binary state to another binary state to another binary state. Each pair of items that go up the rung of the double helix is a binary state represents that, the two poles of that state or the two conditions. However, you need the quad helix, and the quad helix is where the gradual change is made. So, you never really jump, you weave. When we talk about storyweaving, we're not getting far from the truth, because we are weaving together the structure and the dynamics, and that's what creates the quad helix.

Now, how does that encode the message in DNA or in story? Well, it encodes it because we're looking at a waveform, because the waveform is indicated by the key points on the forum. Now, the key points on that forum when you're creating it in three dimensions in say DNA, or in story when you are looking at three dimensions from the fourth perspective, you're going to see that we have this one binary pair that forms the rung of the ladder, and we ultimately will arrive at the next binary pair, that will be the next rung of the ladder. That could be scene to scene, event to event, act to act. But, as we do this, we are actually jumping between where the function crosses the zero line; assuming we are at zero/zero. Like where a sin wave starts at zero/zero and then ends up crossing the line again at pie. But, if you are going up and down in the weaving up and down over the line, well, you are going to cross at those points, and those points represent the binary pair you see we've put in one extra dimension. We don't just have that one line that's weaving up and down across that central axis. But, you have two things that are weaving up and down. In other words, you are not measuring a difference in dimension between those two items. It's as if you have a single line, you are looking at it sideways, you only see one item, because you've locked the two together with that rung that exists between them, and when you look at it sideways, one of them occults the other, and all you see is a single point, and that point weaves up and down in a sideways pattern. But, you are not looking at the pattern.

(For benefit of Mark and George-- when we were showing the other day how we created the camel humps at the top of the line, because we really had a sine wave and a co sine wave and we were only looking at the positive side of the picture, not the negative side of the picture. Not the ones below the line, but only above the line. That is what you create when you see these rungs moving from one to another, when you see these binary shifts occurring, that we shift from this state to this state, from one rung to another rung. From one pair, bonded pair to another bonded pair. And I use the term bonded because it has a lot of ramifications for chemistry here, and we are going to see the chemistry when it bonds together is actually creating these pairings. And they are either going to be dynamic, dependent, or companion, or there will be no reaction at all between them, or again the reaction will be the same as anything else, which would be like the inert elements that do not react. (So, we are touching on a lot of subjects here today, but this is a gestalt as I mentioned.)

So, what happens is, in order to do that we actually have another bonded pair that's going on next to it, but that one can't be seen as a bonded pair, at the same time that this is seen as a bonded pair. In other words, we have a quad helix, a series of rungs that you walk up as it were, that create a double helix and a series of rungs independent of that double helix, that's another double helix that you walk up, and when you do, you create an intertwined set of double helixes, which is actually a quad helix. You can only see it as a quad helix, when you step out of the system completely and view it from the fifth dimension, because time is one of the elements involved, one of the points on one of the rungs, one of the binary pairs -- that line will be considered time. Another line will be considered mass, another line will be considered space, another line will be considered energy. As you look at it that way, you cannot, when you are actually on one of the lines, on one of the pairs of rungs, you cannot climb up that ladder and see the other one as a ladder. You climb up one ladder and you see the other one as being ....I don't know what? (That's for you guys to figure out. How do we describe that?) When you're standing on something and you see that as a locked pair.

In other words, you take a quad and you take a dynamic pair like morality and self-interest and you can't see the difference between morality and self-interest. But, everything's measured between attitude and approach. You look at people's attitudes, you look at people's approaches and you have in your blind spot the fact that there's actually a difference between morality and self-interest. You see yourself as being absolutely moral, when really completely self-interested, or you see yourself as being self-interested when there's an element of morality involved. You're not looking at the other side, you only see the three dimensions. You blend morality and self-interest together, and it becomes a single unit -- something with a new name; when in reality it's two separate things. But, that's the nature of how we have to view the world as we've talked about many times before -- the blind spot that's created. Now, let's get back now to this right minded semantic template. I'll give you the semantics I came up with, and then I'll explain why that was a solution. The semantics I came up with, it turned up I had been in a psychology class, (big surprise) all of this time, with a story I had with Chris. This was my primary story. In other words, that was like resolving one of the wind-ups, which we had two justification wind-ups on the model. One of them was the Main Character's wind-up and the other was the Objective Story wind-up. Well, both Chris and I were involved in the Main Character stories and we were wound up in that together. We had to resolve that one first, and having resolved that, then it was possible to resolve the objective wind-up and get that back to neutral.

So, in this large story in a sense there is a larger story, and the larger story contains both of our independent stories as well as the story between us. So, what have we got? We've got the story between us which is one, his story with somebody else, which is another, and my story with somebody else which is another. So, that creates three stories. In fact those are the three dynamic acts of a larger story.

So, in looking at the semantic template, when we resolve the issues between us, Chris and I, which is a sometimes difficult, but ultimately very pleasant development of our relationship and moved into a companion pair relationship -- I ended up moving into the Universe class. And we could predict that by virtue of where he knew he had moved, and also by the canceling out or eliminating from contention all of the other classes that just didn't feel right at all. Still, Universe to me did not seem right. I looked at the types which is where I can usually identify this stuff, and I said Past, Present, Future and Progress? Well, it's kind of like that, that seems to be what's going on. I'm considering publishing my personal transition diary, and even possibly including a photograph with it. Now, that is something from the past. But, my concerns about publishing the past are what impact that's going to have on the future, in terms of how people will perceive me. I've been so worried that if I let this kind of material that I'm writing have the opportunity to get out of the gender community, the interpretation of who I was, which would then affect how people treated me, would change. I found (and this is again, I'm going about this in a right minded manner, so you're going to have to look at all these not as causal relationships, but as points in a dot to dot. And when we put all the dots together, it will create an image that can be clearly seen. But, I have to get enough dots out there to make this occur for everyone who is reading this.)

My notion is I wanted to get this feminine feeling. That was the most important thing. It didn't really matter what conditions existed to create that. I found that this is almost a drug-like state for me. When I can feel that feminine feeling, it allows me to giggle to kick back, to kid back and forth with men, to feel closer to women, and it allows me to loosen up and be less structured in my way of thinking. I don't have to be quite so logical about everything. It allows me to be able to sit down and read a book, or listen to music or do all kinds of pleasurable things, rather than trying to resolve problems. In other words, it's like I'm always problem solving in a trained left-minded sense, when I'm dealing with the masculine point of view and when I'm dealing with the feminine point of view, I'm always feeling holistically, feeling my way holistically through things, and it's much better. It's the ability to shift back and forth between the two that's allowed me to create my work on mental relativity. And of course it was that magic moment when I was perfectly balanced between the estrogen and the testosterone and came to that time when I was waking up, half-way between waking and sleeping, when I first envisioned the equation of mental relativity. It was that perfect balance that was reached, that allowed it. However, that's the mountain top we all reach in one form or another. Some of us only by doing internal things, some of us by doing external things. But, as we progress through our study of mental relativity. We all will reach this mountain top, where we one way or another, through physical exercise or perhaps a new internal or marshal art, that allows us some discipline in training on the external, plus looking at things a certain way mentally, surrounding ourselves with certain atmosphere. It allows us to balance Universe, Mind, Physics, and Psychology.

We sit at the top of the mountain, and we can come down on any side, and eventually when we're at that point, we cannot decide where to come down, which why we have to surround ourselves with individuals who reflect the views that we would like to adopt when we come down from that mountain and when we have sat up there long enough to have our fill of being neutral, then the environment around us, some chaotic event will start to slide us down the mountain, and that will be amplified by those around us who lead us in that direction. And we come down the mountain to the valley down below and homestead there. The difference is that once you've been to the top of the mountain and come back down on any side, even though like anyone else at the base of the mountain, you can no longer see the big picture. You have a special ability, a magic about you that's been attached to you, given to you from the top of the mountain, and that is the ability to jump to any other homestead at the base of the mountain, without having to go over the mountain to get there. Anyone who hasn't made the journey to the top of the mountain, has to go up to the mountain, reach that point of four dimensional neutrality, and then slide down the other side, but once you come down, you carry with you the ability to jump to any other place at the base of the mountain, instantly. It's almost like teleportation, syncronicity. You can shift your point of view on the world, but it's not completely infallible. There can be forces that lock you in, hold you and prevent you from moving.

And this is what happened to me when I was trying to engender these feminine, internal feelings. There were forces that were preventing me from making the jump, from teleporting myself to those feminine feelings and were locking me into the masculine. My job was to figure out what was going on holistically, so that I could put the pieces together in a different arrangement. And the way I could put them together in a different arrangement as a be-er is not to re-arrange them, but to find a different way of looking at them, that makes another pattern come forth. We talk about looking at Esher's work and seeing cubes that he draws jump into the page or jump out of the page. That's the mental trick that you can accomplish, and you can make it happen in your own mind, so that nothing's really changed in your situation, but within yourself, it looks like your situation has changed completely, because you have shifted your point of view, and you have control over that. Now, I was doing the mental equivalent this morning, jumping in and out of feeling masculine and feminine, because I found the key, I found a way that I could just say if I look toward this focus, I can see that my whole situation has changed, but if I look towards this focus, it's right back to where it was, and was jumping in and out of feeling masculine and feminine at the drop of a hat. It's a nifty little parlor game, but the only thing is, you can only see it from the inside. But, it's powerful, very powerful. And this is a tool that both men and women can use.

Now, getting back to the semantics, I looked at Universe, that was the best place to describe what was going on, but the words were wrong. The words should not have been Past, Present, Future, and Progress. The words should have been Here, There, Closer, Farther. At least that's my initial interpretation. Here and There definitely for sure, Closer, Farther, probably. Those would be the types of Universe, situation. Now, what sense does that make? Well, I've been considering for a long time whether I should be staying here with my family. I have an obligation to my family, but when I'm here, I still feel trapped into the old role that I used to live. I want to watch my kids grow up. I want to be here for Mary, to not have her be lonely, and to take care of her and things, but I feel masculine every time I think of being here and doing that. When I had my relationship for about 14 months with Andy, I would go over to his place every weekend, and when I was over there, something happened after the first few times, that felt like there was here, and here was there. Those two shifted positions. In other words, I began to feel that my home was with Andy, and I was visiting my home. This concept is intrinsic to publishing my transition diary, and how people are going to think about me. The things around it, is I was worrying will I have a relationship with a guy, if guys all over the world know about who Melanie used to be? Will that totally ruin my relationships? Well, for half the guys it will, and half it won't. For those in which first impressions are important, then if they see me as Melanie first, and then they find out about my old self, they will not be able to adapt to it, if they find out about the old self at the same time they find out about Melanie.

In other words, if I become a personality where you say here's Melanie who created this theory, and also she used to have this past. Well, if guys find that out, a certain kind of guy won't be able to deal with it. The linear guys won't be able to deal with it. But, the guys who go non-linear, which is the greatest equivalent they can achieve in terms of holism that women have, in other words, the fractal guys who are looking at the overview and the patterns -- looking at things spatially instead of temporally or operating systems, looking at those operating systems spatially, instead of temporally. They are going to be able to deal with it. They are going to say because they are dealing with it holistically, that's a part of who you were, but it's not who you are now. In other words, look at the relationship between space and time here, how that has an element of each in there. This is who you are now. Yes, that is a part of you, because it's who you were, but it's not a part of you now, because it's not who you are now. You have changed who you are over time. How much of that view is spatial, and how much is temporal, versus here is somebody who is half this and half that. Naturally, there's four views, I'm just talking about the ones who would find out at the same time, about my present self, and my past self. There are also those who would hear one first or the other first.

And depending on that it would have another kind of impact. So, were talking about when people are presented spatially with information about me. How are they going to react, compared to when they are presented temporally, which is the whole different pair that we haven't even discussed yet. They find one, and then the find the other. Well, out of it, I found yes, it's going to have an impact. About half of the guys out there (and I'm not concerned with the women, because I'm not looking for relationships with women), but half of the guys out there are going to see it one way, and half of the guys out there are going to see it another way. So, I lose half my audience, if I allow this information to come out. But, what's the cost to myself, if I don't allow it to come out. Well, that means that I'm never going to be able to be all of who I am, because even though I don't feel when I am feeling in my feminine mode, any of that old masculinity is still a truth that physically I lived a certain way, and internally I felt a certain way, until I found a way more intrinsic to the dynamics of my mind, because I am right minded. And so, only finding my path to right-mindedness has brought me to this point, and yet all of that was really true. And if I try to pretend that I grew up a different way than I did, deny relationships I've had with friends, things that I have done, that I couldn't have done if I'd been in this role always.

I have to constantly omit parts of myself from talking with people. Now, for a left-minded, that might not be a problem, left-minded linear, especially, because you can say O.K. that's part of the process that is over, and go on with a new process, and you can hide it all or repress it all and it will not have an impact. But, when you are truly right-minded and dealing in the completely holistic right-minded sense of things, you cannot leave the past behind, because there's no such thing as past. That's why there's no such thing as present or future or progress. Those are male terms that women are not going to feel that they are going to use. Because in the situation, it's here, there, closer, farther. Or closer, farther is more like tighter/looser in the sense of more all pervasive/less all pervasive. More sparse, more condensed. More all encompassing, less all encompassing. Bigger scope, lesser scope. But, that's going to be the other pair that goes with here and there. Now, how does that work for me. Well, here's what I did. I've been thinking for a long time, that now that the money's coming in from Dramatica, it might be a good thing for me to get an apartment of my own. But, I was worried about getting an apartment of my own, because for me it was like a binary state - divorce. It was like saying basically I'm leaving my family. I'd feel like a deserter, I would feel like I was hurting Mary and hurting the kids. -- Especially, after they stuck with me through all of this, to go get another place, just so I would feel that when I was starting a relationship, it wouldn't be somebody coming over and visiting me here, with my S.O. and my kids. That's no way to start a relationship.
Also, because I needed to find this feminine feeling. And yet, there was something wrong with getting that place, looking at it from that point view. Because I was looking at the situation of it, I was looking at past, present, future and progress. And I couldn't find a solution there.

But, when I look at it as here or there, that's really a mindset. Where is home? Home is where you hang your hat? Well, that would be a left-minded way of looking at it. A right minded way of looking at it is home is where the heart is. But, that's only a left-minded way of right-minded looking at it. Right minded would look at it more in the Eastern philosophy sense as where is the location from which you center yourself. And you see a lot of that in science fiction, when they explore the farthest ranges from the left-minded perspective. It's where the right-minded are sitting, smiling back. Now, what that means is that just last night, over the last couple of days on this vacation, I talked with the kids first about my possibly moving to an apartment, but rather than actually moving to the apartment, I would leave all of my things here, that are currently here, all of my possessions, and get new possessions for the apartment that I would get. Perhaps I would live with somebody there, perhaps I wouldn't, perhaps I'd be alone. Perhaps I would spend a lot of time there, perhaps I would spend more time here, at the house. However, if that was my desire to move, they felt they could deal with it.

And so I progressed to the next step, I approached Mary with it. And I said look, we've talked about my having a little place where I could get away from all this. And there were a lot of issues tied in -- the way the house is kept, she doesn't like to keep things as tidy as I do, so I don't like that. Sometimes she treats the kids in her discipline in ways that I think are not as functional as I would like to do it -- I don't appreciate that. But, that's a difference between us, it's not better or worse. She's not worse, I'm not better. It's just that she has a way of going about her level of keeping the house together, and has a way of dealing with the kids that is not completely coincidence to mine. I feel in our relationship here, I'm not interested in having a relationship with her, woman to woman at an intimate level -- that's not an interesting thing to me. I mean I suppose anybody can get turned on by anything under the right circumstances. But as far it goes, I'm really heterosexual, as I discovered with the series of boyfriends I've had since surgery. I'm completely heterosexual other than if there wasn't anything else to do, I suppose I could be drawn in that other direction. But, then that means we don't really do anything around here in an intimate sense, and yet I still feel like I'm her mate, because of the circumstances. And that's one of the things that makes me feel too masculine.

But, how did I resolve all of these feelings about whether I should publish my book or not, and whether I should tell people, and when I should tell them about my past, and how much I should divulge. How do I resolve all this about feeling that I'm here, being her mate and father to these kids, instead of whatever it is I am now. How do I resolve all that and get back to this feminine feeling I'm enjoying today. How do I resolve that second story which was the only other one that was a major recurring issue of any magnitude in my life. How did I resolve it? By changing the semantic template. Because when I started realizing that instead of looking at this place as here, and the apartment as there, if I looked at the apartment as here, and this place as there, then I'm only visiting, I'm only visiting this house.

Now, how long can I visit here? I could visit here for twenty years. As long as I really have that other apartment to go to. I can go back to it occasionally to touch base with home base. Then this place here, this house on California street, becomes there. And the other pair that will manifest itself is how much of my life is all encompassed with this family, how much becomes intertwined with someone else. That will be the teeter-totter, the balance on the fulcrum that will go up and down, once I've binarily established what here is and what there is. Now, what has that done internally to me. Let's look at these issues and how to resolve them. First of all, I'm not even going to be able to afford to even consider getting this apartment until after I get whatever royalty checks I get from Screenplay Systems the next quarter and .....(tape stopped here.)

 

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