In the theory of psychology
I co-created with Chris, we divide everything in fours. And when you
boil it down, those four items will always be an incarnation of
Knowledge, Thought, Ability, and Desire. In fact, K, T, A, and D, are
the four basic categories of our self-awareness, our drive.
So I said to myself,
"What would a K type of love be? How about A?" Here are the
conclusions I came to. When you love someone because you see them as K,
it means you see them as dependable. You can count on them because K is
where the inertia is. A T type love is where you enjoy conversation with
them - you share thoughts and thought patterns. It's not just important
WHAT you think, but HOW you think about it. If you just enjoy talking
with someone, if that's why you love them, it's a T type love.
"A" Type love is when you love someone because of what they do
for you. They bring home a paycheck or mow the grass or fix the plumbing
or get your computer working (or cook dinner, or decorate, etc.) D type
love is romantic love where you are attracted to the person's nature not
because of dependability, or the way they think, or what they can do for
you, but because of that elusive quality that makes them appealing, even
if you've never met, even if they haven't said a word.
When we love our parents,
it's usually K and A that get us. That is the "blood
relationship" love. Close brothers and sisters will also share T as
well. Even just one of those four types of love is enough to build a
life long relationship, as long as the other three areas are no worse
than neutral. But if the others are negative, then it becomes a real
"apples and oranges" decision to try and choose between taking
the good with the bad, or giving up the good to get rid of the bad.
With Mary, the mother of my
children, it was always a K type of love I had for her. She was and
still is ALWAYS there for me: dependable as the sunrise. That is a very
hard thing to give up, considering that the other three areas are
neutral. She has no abilities that help me, no thoughts that we share
(she hates the kind of things I'm talking about in this essay), and we
have never had much of a romantic love between us. So, although I feel
the lack of not having any fulfillment in three of the four areas, I
don't feel any pain there either. That's why it has been impossible for
me to justify leaving her. Why should I give up dependability that has
no negatives attached?
Well, when our house started
getting really unkempt, that's when a big negative started to grow in
"A" with Mary. Her lack of action in this area hurt my
Abilities. I had to take time away from other things to clean up after
her, and also I couldn't invite guests over because of the mess. As that
problem grew, it balanced out the K based love until the whole
relationship came out to neutral. And discarding a neutral is a
no-brainer.
Knowing this, I can actually
chart my feelings. Whenever the house gets dirty, my desire to leave
grows. If she unexpected cleans up, my desire to leave diminishes. It's
almost weird to see it so clearly!
Of course, that K
dependability is not what she sees in me. She sees me as A because of
the money I can provide her with, and because I help with the kids
(cooking, etc.) Whenever I do these things, she is happy, when the money
gets tight or I have to go on a business trip, then SHE starts hating
the relationship because she is not getting what she wants in A and I am
negative to her in K and T.
REALLY clear! So what about
my ex-boyfriend Andy? Well, Andy attracted me in T right of the bat. I
really like the topics he wanted to discuss and what he wanted to say
about them. At first, D was very low or even negative, because as I have
written in my diary,
Andy had been on hormones for a few years before determining that wasn't
for him. As the effects of the hormones began to fade, I started to have
a growing D feeling for him. About the time he broke up with me, I was
getting turned on just by running my hand along his blue jeans or seeing
his jacket or boots.
So, for the first time in my
life, I was experiencing a relationship with someone where I felt love
in two out of the four areas at the same time! WOW! I never knew there
could be such feelings! I didn't know what was going on at the time, but
I knew how I felt, and I kept thinking, "So THIS is what love
is!!!" I was sure that was the best I could feel ever!
But now, I can see that
there are two other areas that weren't fulfilled by Andy. He was
completely undependable (which was a negative K) and a complete
financial leech (which was a negative A). When you mix negatives with
positives, it doesn't just blend together and average out. Instead, you
become of two minds. You find yourself hating and loving someone at the
same time. And that is what it was like with him. When K and A were not
issues, I was in seventh heaven. But when D and T were not involved, I
hated him with a passion. When all four cylinders were working, I had a
real love-hate relationship with him, and that's exactly where the term
"love-hate" comes from!
Finally, I was not getting
enough of him in my life to fan the fires of D, and we stopped talking
about T issues. So I ended up just with the negative K and A and let the
relationship drop. Of course, he dropped me the first time. Why?
Because, like Mary, he saw me primarily as A, with some T thrown in. So,
he and I had a good thing as long as I provided for him. But I stopped
doing that because he wasn't dependable. I wanted him to be a solid K
for me, just like Mary, and THAT I would pay for, just like Mary. But he
wouldn't center on me and kept playing the field, so I held back on the
funds and he dumped me. Clear as crystal.
I'm so glad I understand it
better now! I could feel the dynamics, but had no way of getting a grip
on them. With this new view I can size up these new guys I'm dating by
the end of the first date. I know where the negatives are and where the
positives are and what the total cost of a relationship is going to be.
It helps me say no to guys who attract me but come with costs. I don't
need any more costs in my life.
Now, if I felt that
attracted to Andy with just TWO of the four types of love, I can't
imagine what THREE would feel like. I've never had that with anyone. And
if THREE are that hard to feel, what would all FOUR be like??? And what
would it be like if I felt all four toward someone and they felt all
four toward me too??? It staggers the heart! It's beyond my capacity.
I'm blind until I see it.
Think of all the
combinations of love that can exist: Two people who each provide A for
each other, but are neutral elsewhere. Two people who provide A for each
other, one is neutral, the other has a negative. Two who provide A for
each other, both are negative on one and it is the same one, or a
different one or... It's incredible the different kinds of love that
exist!
Well, I've gone on long
enough. The point here is that I realize just how much more there is to
feel in life. I've never been one to stop short of the brass ring. I
won't settle for just one person until I feel all four kinds of love for
them, and then feel that way for me. Maybe it will never happen. That's
fine. Along the way I'll have lot's of other combinations to experience.
In the end, I may not get every thing I want from one person, but I'll
get everything I want piece at a time from person after person. Maybe
that is close enough that at the end of one's life it all blends
together and is as fulfilling as if it all happened with that one
special soul-mate that never crossed your path.
